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Recent News

(03/06/2010) - UPDATE ON THE RACE FOR REPEAL - 3rd June 2010


     Hunters' Challenge - Thursday, 3rd June at Lingfield Park Racecourse
Author - Sam

Things are hotting up and tonight, Wednesday 26th May 2010, Frances Beach, Kilkenny Sheriff and I set off for Lingfield Park Racecourse for a debriefing and trial run on the all weather gallop in advance of the race proper on Thursday, 3rd June. We arrived shortly before 6pm along with various representatives from other local packs and after the debrief some very fit looking horses were decanted from trailers and boxes and not so fit looking riders made ready ha ha! From a swift look around at the assembled cast of miscreants it was glaringly apparent, even to my untrained eye, that the majority of those present not only looked very professional but clearly had more than just a vague idea of what it was they were supposed to be doing. Frances caught my eye briefly and I knew we were both thinking the same thing, "oh ****, we're in over our heads here". The only nod to professional racing that Frances and I could muster between us this evening was the bright yellow silk on Frances' crash hat. As everyone else drew up their goggles, adjusted body protectors and slipped into racing boots Frances put a brave face on, smiled and clambered aboard Kenny. Once everyone was mounted they followed a professional jockey through to the paddock who talked them through what they would be doing on the day, showing them where they would be parading to the crowds before taking them off to the all weather gallops for the trial run. After a warm up canter and some more tips from the pro they were under starter's orders and away. I tried desperately to see what was going on as they set off but from the stands they were just too far away for me to see properly. The only thing I could make out was a very bright silk bobbing along some considerable way behind everyone else. My heart sunk. Poor Kenny, Tim had been right, he just wasn't going to be fast enough when pitted against these chasers and poor Frances, all that hard work and for what? Nothing. Thankfully my eyesight's not what it used to be and as the runners rounded the last bend coming into the final straight I caught sight of Frances' bright yellow silk and blue jumper atop Kenny, cruising his way to the finish line ... in pole position! Yipee!! Cue skipping about about like a deranged 7 year old on a diet of blue Smarties shouting "Kenny Kenny Kenny Frances Frances Kenny Frances Kenny" until you realise you're making a spectacle of yourself and that East Sussex County Asylum is just a stone's throw away. Dashing back to the paddock I met Frances coming through on Kenny who looked as fresh as a daisy considering the blast he'd just had and in no time we were back at the trailer, washing him off, Frances being congratulated by the other riders and a small Kenny Fan Club forming. The moral of this story? Well, there isn't one and I don't have any, but what I would like to say is that if you haven't yet donated some money by way of sponsoring Frances for the Countryside Alliance please please do so, even if it's only a fiver because it's for a good cause, one that's promoting and defending country sports, rural pursuits and something that we're all passionate about, hunting. Equally important though is that thanks to Frances' expertise and Kenny's innate ability, it looks like the AVH might just give everyone a run for their money, so if any of you can get yourselves to Lingfield Park Racecourse next Thursday come and cheer them on! Your Hunt Needs You! Don't make me start a poster campaign featuring the eternally youthful face of Joint Master Tim Laite in Lord Kitchener stylie, just come along, cheer and donate a fiver while you're at it! I'll be there walking Kenny round the paddock before the race (he'll be the one wearing the saddle!) so hope to see some of you there. For donations/sponsorship please contact Frances on either 07903 866868 (mobile) or 01580 766168 (home)

(03/05/2010) - COUNTRY FAYRE AT CHARING


     3rd MAY 2010 - BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY - WEATHER: HOT HOT HOT
Author - Sue Palmer

CHARING RACECOURSE opposite The Swan (A20) TN27 0JD - WEATHER FORECAST SUNNY ALL DAY ESPECIALLY OVER CHARING WEAR YOUR BIKINIS, TANKINIS, MINIKINIS AND TEENIWEENIES!! Gates open at 10.30 am. Entry £2.50 - under 12s FREE. SO MUCH TO DO AND SEE. Children's Play Area/Craft Stalls/Farmers Market. Stalls/Kentish Food. Fun Dog Show, Terrier Show & Terrier Racing. Gun Dog Display & Country Arena Displays. HOMEMADE CAKE STALL & TOMBOLA. REFRESHMENTS & LICENCED BAR. enquiries 01233 756 266

(03/05/2010) - WEATHER SET TO BE HOT HOT HOT FOR OUR COUNTRY FAYRE


     BBC Weather forecasts blisteringly sunny for Bank Holiday Monday
Author - Steve Carter

(01/05/2010) - Review of the AVH Fallers Supper - 30th April 2010


      
Author - Sam

On the evening of Friday, 30th May the crippled, maimed, wounded, disfigured, injured and impaired limped or were carried to the Bell Inn, Smarden for the Annual AVH Fallers' Club Supper (and they all left the premises in pretty much the same or a worse state than that in which they'd arrived). Encouraged by that Bloody Awful Husband of Frances Beach (who is apparently setting up a club for all Bloody Awful Husbands where they can learn self-defence, first aid and cooking) a number of other bloody awful husbands turned up as well, notably the Dreadful Dominic Kelly who was in fine form (a bit too fine I'd say, considering his wife no longer recognises him!) and after a great meal everyone turned their attention to voting for their favourite fallers. After some deliberation, foul play and bribery the winners were announced. Geoff Adams won the first category for most concussed faller, narrowly beating William Meakin of the OSB&WK who was still so concussed he'd turned up to the wrong Hunt's Fallers' Supper and the delightful Miranda Kelly, who after a serious bang on the head this season still doesn't recognise her Dreadful Husband, Dominic. Geoff won some wine, fizz and hay kindly donated by The Bell Inn and John and Sue Palmer. In the absence of Neil Staines, William Meakin went on to win the second category for most broken bones and was awarded a three course meal for two at The Bull Inn, Bethersden for his efforts, if he can remember where it is. He also managed to procure a photo of himself caught on camera in the act of falling to the floor from Louise Bruce (no doubt as an aide-memoir as to why he was there in the first place). Obviously Tim Laite won the third category for Stupidest Faller and secured himself a much needed riding lesson with Alison Wynn BHSII. Craftiest faller went unsurprisingly to Jot Jalfrezi (had Mrs Backlash not been larging it up at Lashings she'd have won this one) and took home wine and fizz, kindly donated by The Bell Inn. Frances Beach, so desperate in her endeavours to get away from that Bloody Awful Husband of hers took the Best Stunt Rider category after attempting to kill herself all season just to get away from him and for that she was rewarded with £15 worth of vouchers generously donated by The Emporium, Headcorn. Worst Language category was predictably won by Knightsbridge Jalfrezi who swears more than most scaffolders we know. According to Jot, the only thing she didn't injure this season was her mouth and she won a bottle of mouthwash and some sweets to try and keep her quiet. Annette Bardsley was not able to attend this year to defend her title of Sexiest Faller 2009 and so the title of Sexiest Faller 2010 went to Frances Beach who pushed Terry Chappell, Geoff Adams and Mick Few into joint second place and for that she won herself a vacuum cleaner very kindly donated by Danny Buckley (yes, it conjures up some truly horrible visions of that Bloody Awful Husband of hers, Keith, pushing it around the house in his pinny and pink slippers). In the absence of Rupert Boswell from proceedings, our Most Frequent Faller this season turned out to be James Golob who won a cross country lesson at Bonfleur with Matt Selby BHSAI (IntSM). Falling Families went to the Jalfrezi's who get the use of the cross country course at Stocks Farm, Wittersham, kindly donated by Kate Gale. Our Youngest Fallers category was won by Knightsbridge Jalfrezi who won a day's hunting, riding up front with Tim Laite, MFH (not sure if that is actually a prize or a penalty). Our Most Reliable Faller was Tim Laite who auctioned off his prize for this category, a set of shoes very kindly donated by local farrier Jeff Mills and which was successfully bid for by Rob Coales. Our final category was Most Unlikely Faller and Frances Beach was back in the saddle (or not, on balance) for another prize but she too chose to let this one go for auction and Tim Laite successfully bid for the use of the cross country course at Bonfleur, generously donated by Mr and Mrs Robert Pascal. We had an extra prize to auction off which was a lesson with Matt Selby and this was successfully bid for by Danny Buckley, but we suspect he'll be letting his daughter, the lovely Lucy, have that prize rather than keeping it for his own ends! We then had the caption competition, this year there were two pictures to choose from, one of which was of Rupert Boswell with his mouth stuffed full of cash and the other of which was of Frances Beach scampering across the main arena at Ardingly loaded to the gunnels with armfuls of champagne. Once she was over the initial shock of the language contained in some of Knightsbridge Jalfrezi's captions, Linda Adams cast the deciding vote and Keith Beach and another bloody awful husband, Mr Rice-Wilson, won themselves a hamper of meat (generously donated by Mr and Mrs Graham Palmer) and a three course meal for two at The Bell Inn, Smarden respectively. Finally there was one last prize to give away and that was the Sarah Stevens Commemorative Bush and Champagne, nobly donated by Sarah Stevens herself. Liz Biggs was almost moved to tears on receiving this and in her excitement drank the champagne on the spot! Liz has promised to keep Sarah's bush safe from old Field Masters and any other scurrilous types that might be tempted to fall in it. At some point during the evening a somewhat surprised James Golob stood up and announced in a charmingly naïve way that the pub had run out of Shiraz as if it was something noteworthy. This being the Ashford Valley, no-one took any notice and just ordered Merlot instead, until that ran out. Having drunk the pub dry we all dissipated, everyone having seemed to enjoy themselves and having managed to raise some money too (always a bonus). Unfortunately Mrs Backlash was unable to attend having picked up something so infectious that she's presently being disinfected three times a day and is not allowed out of her isolation tent (she's a one woman Petri dish) until 2012. We wish her a speedy recovery and hope the consequential police investigation goes well. In the meantime all that's left to do is to say a huge thank you to everyone who so generously donated some really lovely prizes for us all to enjoy and thanks to everyone who came along on the night and made it such a fun evening.

(30/04/2010) - AVH Fallers' Supper


     The Smarden Bell, Smarden
Author - Sam

Never let it be said that any member of the AVH ever disappoints. Without exception you have excelled yourselves once again in the ancient art of maximus unceremonious crashimus acceleratix (that's Latin for hitting the deck at speed). Without exception you have thrown yourselves to the floor, with an abandon so gay it would make Graham Norton in pink hotpants and a spandex leotard look butch! You have side swiped one another, smashed yourselves to pieces in your endeavours to launch yourselves skywards, untacked your steeds mid-flight, conducted impromptu baptisms in the holy waters of Southpark, fallen foul of Jot Dalfreizi and her evil sidekick Knightsbridge and indulged yourselves in head on collisions with model aircraft! You are unstoppable, not to mention unsurpassable in this ancient art; the only thing that you've apparently left alone this season is Sarah Stevens' bush! Thankfully she has not had to suffer the indignity of some old Field Master spontaneously landing in it this year! As with any good Pagan ritual it is only right and proper therefore to celebrate the aforementioned antics (for 'antics' read 'stupidity') of the insane, lobotomized and still concussed amongst us and in the absence of half a dozen 14ft high stones to dance naked around at daybreak we will, instead, be celebrating the annual AVH Fallers Club Supper 2010 at The Smarden Bell, Smarden (where those of you who wish to dance naked can indulge your proclivities in the beer garden at the rear of the premises) from 6.30pm onwards on Friday, 30th April. As previously there will be a variety of categories of fallers for attendees and fellow lemmings to vote for, a caption competition, prizes galore and an impromptu auction of any unclaimed prizes; any faller who wins a prize but is not there to collect it on the night will forfeit said prize and it will be auctioned at the end of the evening to the highest bidder (all proceeds going to the Lashings Over Eighties Nudest Leapfrog Team, a registered charity). Remember, you don't have to be a faller to attend this supper and everyone and anyone who supports the AVH is welcome. Places are, however, very much limited this time around and if you would like to come along please make your reservation now by telephoning me on 07900 221595. Supper will be a roast dinner with cheese, biscuits and coffee to follow all for the bargain price of £11.50 per head (cheaper for children) and there will be a vegetarian option available. Hopefully all those of you who can still get about under your own steam, albeit with the aid of casts, prosthetics or wheelchairs will be able to make it and we look forward to seeing you on the night. Finally, an apology in advance; that Bloody Awful Husband of Frances Beach has declared his intention of attending the Fallers' Club Supper and under sub-section 12 of paragraph 22, Section 13 of the B.A.H. Act (revised 2009), the European Courts of Human Rights ruled in 612 A.D. that he is within his rights to do so and we cannot, therefore, stop him. This does, however, set a precedent and all Bloody Awful Husbands are therefore invited. Look forward to seeing you all on the night. Post-Script - there was an inaccuracy in the final paragraph above; we have, in fact, now had Frances Beach's Bloody Awful Husband carbon dated (we tried to count the rings but no calculator or Excel program was capable of dealing with that many digits and the Antiques Roadshow said that they had no Jurassic experts available) and it turns out that the European Court of Human Rights actually made the aforementioned ruling in 612 B.C. which means that he is, in fact, roughly 1,000 years older than we originally thought.

(25/04/2010) - AVH Spring Horse Show


     Horse Show and Fun Dog Show - Sunday 25th April 2010
Author - Sam

It's that time of year when the lambs are leaping, flowers budding, your dogs get covered in ticks, Mrs Backlash hangs up her thermal all-in-one PVC and any dormant fleas that have been sleeping off a particularly hard winter zoom out of your carpet and bite you on the ankle, or is that the children? Anyway, it's officially Springtime when the AVH Spring Horse Show occurs and it's happening this weekend, Sunday 25th April at Charing Racecourse. There are classes for everyone - dressage, show jumping, gymkhana, working hunter and clear round just to mention a few (and that's just the dog show!). Now not that I wish to worry anyone but I'm reliably informed that the competition will be fierce this year, Jot Dalfreizi has entered for the dressage on her international FEI show hunter working cob dressage pony "Pleb" and her evil sidekick, Knightsbridge, is planning on storming the gymkhana on her Grade A trotter "Poor Visibility". I am intending on borrowing Anna Laite's pony, "Alchemy", a particularly tough customer who's just out of training with Tony McCoy, who will give Knightsbridge a run for her money in the egg and spoon race! We can't let those Jalfrezi's win everything, surely?! So, if you haven't already entered and want to then be quick about it and contact Mrs Backlash on 07759 019506 (if you're going to call her in the evenings call Lashings of Maidstone direct).

(03/04/2010) - RACING IS ON


     Charing Point-to-Point
Author - Steve Carter

There was a course inspection at 9am this morning and RACING IS ON - see you all there

(02/04/2010) - WORKING TERRIER/LURCHER SHOW & RACING


     & FAMILY FUN DOG SHOW
Author - Sue Palmer

EASTER SUNDAY 4th APRIL 2010 at 12 noon sharp (TERRIERS/LURCHERS) and 1 pm sharp (FUN DOG SHOW) PLUS lurcher and terrier racing after showing classes have finished. At CHARING POINT-to-POINT Course, Ashford, Kent (opposite The Swan A20) Qualifiers applied for: Countryman's Weekly E.A.J.R. & LC Pride of the Peak National Working Terrier Federation NL&RC Refreshments available. Enquiries: Ron 01233 712358 Sue 01233 756266

(20/01/2010) - Ladysden


     Hunting Report
Author - sam

Apologies for the length of time it's taken me to post this Hunting Report; I had Sunday lunch a week ago now with the lovely and long suffering Frances Beach and That Bloody Awful Husband of Hers, who insisted on coming along (apparently she can't leave him at home because he chews the carpet and whines a lot) and it's taken a while to recover from the whole experience. Anyway and by all accounts the only thing missing from Wednesday's debacle was the Russian Guns (ref: The Charge of the Light Brigade); Kent is now littered with broken bits of old huntsmen, fruit farmers' horses and the accoutrements of various members of the field (which puts me in mind of the time when Kate Douglas and I happened upon someone's garters whilst out hunting!); needless to say, the Fallers' Club increases exponentially! Various veterinary practices have offered to sponsor the AVH and the ever zealous octogenarians that make up the crew of every St John's Ambulance this side of the Thames Estuary now have us on speed dial!! Honestly, what were you lot up to?! While hounds obligingly followed trails back and forth across Ladysden, incorporating the various jumps that Jeff Adams had busied himself building, almost enough to rival the Pascal Boys but not quite, you lot (lemming like) parted company with your steeds over, on, through and around every obstacle that crossed your paths. At Brockton a number of you were red-carded off the pitch by the Field Master but nothing was going to stop you, that was until you hit Paley! Mind you, with Tim Laite, MFH leading the charge, hotly pursued by Jot Dalfreizi, who spends her time zooming up on the unsuspecting and surreptitiously knocking them to the floor, what chance did any of you stand?! That said some miscreant from the OSB&WK got off his horse to lead it through a ditch. "Why?!" I hear all ardent, ditch leaping, hedge hopping members of the AVH chorus. Good question, I reply, but wait for it, said miscreant from the OSB&WK, having dismounted to lead, yes lead, I'm not making this up (unlike the majority of my reports! ha ha!) his steed through the ditch, he then duly disappeared into said ditch up to his bowler hat - and if it was you Dicky Robinson, ditch dweller extraordinnaire, because it's got your M.O. written all over it, you'd better phone me up and 'fess up! Worse yet it transpires that this OSB&WK miscreant was the only village idiot (unusual on one of ours days, I know, for an idiot to be in the singular that is, mind you I wasn't out) to attempt this - everyone else went down the road!! Alas whoever this Pimpernel is he has managed to escape the attentions of Jot Madras Dalfreizi-Phal, which is, in fact, her full name and so does not, as yet, appear in the AVH Hall of Fame for Stupidity aka The Fallers' Club. Well anyway, I hope you've all learnt your lesson. See you Wednesday at the Wild Duck (who's probably livid by now!). Our thanks to Jeff and Rob Adams, who were our very generous hosts for the day.

(04/01/2010) - FOR SALE


     12.3hh part bred 12yo Welsh mare
Author - Sam

"Georgina" Georgina is a superb pony in every way who just loves to please, doing everything asked of her with no fuss or bother. She is very pretty and quiet and gentle to ride and handle. She has successfully competed with her present owner and loves to show jump and x/country (ditches and water no problem). 100% to box, clip, shoe and in traffic. Georgina is a true friend who is sadly for sale through no fault of her own (outgrown by her present owner) to the right home £1,500 ono. For further information or pictures please contact Frances Beach on 01580 766168 or 07903 866868

(02/01/2010) - Joint Meet of the AVH and OSB&WK


     Old Fowle Hall Oast
Author - Sam

Brrrrrrr!!! It was so chilly that it made the hairs on my legs stand up on end!! As it turned out though the cold was no deterrent and everyone turned out in force for the Joint Meet of the Ashford Valley and Old Surrey and Burstow & West Kent at Old Fowle Hall Oast, generously hosted, as ever, by Terry and Caroline Chappell, and for what turned out to be, by all accounts, one of the best day's of the season so far. After some running repairs to tack, my trusty charger for the day, Kenny, had managed to break his bridle somewhere between Frittenden and Paddock Wood, we were off in the wake of hounds, Huntsmen and Joint Masters for the day Tim Laite (AVH) and Marion Pemble (OSB&WK), headed for Pikefish Farm. I was charged with staying at the back on this occasion to try and ensure some kind of order was kept! Whatever idiot thought that putting me in charge of that would be a good idea?! Well, I can tell you precisely which idiot it was; Joint Master of the AVH, Tim Laite. After I'd finished laughing to the point of damaging a rib I gathered up my co-conspirator, friend and AVH secret weapon Jot Dalfreizi and together we narrowed our eyes, shortened our reins and started looking for the unsuspecting and unstable!! Neither of which were in short supply! It was quickly apparent that the OSB&WK were a naïve and trusting bunch as Jot and I staged a hostile takeover of Ben, Dick and Cookie at Crowplain. Between Mark Bycroft (Huntsman to the OSB&WK) and Neil hounds were hunting trails so well that they flew from here to Collier Street, barely stopping to draw breath, but just long enough to see Aaron Clarke deck himself on the gravel mounds. Somewhere around here Liz Biggs and I got 'papped' by Ginni Beard (turns out my hair looks a bit mad in the pictures and I'm not bearing much of my usual resemblance to Catherine Zeta-Jones! Does she not have Photoshop?!) and while hounds flew around on the trails laid, the OSB&WK marveled at the salubrious country the AVH had to offer and did their best to avoid making it into our Fallers Club coming up with more excuses and front than Brighton Pier; even the craftiest of AVH fallers would have been moved to blush but not this lot! While Jot and I were introducing ourselves to Mike of the OSB&WK (looking very smart in his top hat), who revealed he carried two hipflasks about his personage, one containing petrol and the other something slightly less caustic (we were warned to be fair!), Dick Robinson of the OSB&WK, got himself dobbed in by his partner, Cookie, for a fall that entailed not only jumping the wrong ditch but then falling in it to boot, we all know which category he'll find himself in come the Fallers Club Supper! From there hounds took us all the way back to Benover, over the river back towards Marden, on to Stilebridge, over Mr Tipples' land and finally, for those who didn't make the long trek back to the Meet but did go another hour in the opposite direction, up through Hunton to finish at Clockhouse Farm! Everyone finished up around the same time though and thankfully James and Gabbi Sillers arrived back at the boxes, kindly guiding me through the labyrinth of lanes to Hunton Hill and Clockhouse, were it not for them I'd still be driving around there now! All in all it was a thoroughly enjoyable day and we hope that the OSB&WK contingent enjoyed their day with the AVH. NB - Nice to see that Mark Bycroft continues to evade capture and repatriation to the Home for the Criminally Insane Huntsmen of Kent!

(30/12/2009) - The Queen's Arms


     Egerton Forstal
Author - Sam

Given the appalling weather we've been subjected to recently you could be forgiven for thinking that building an ark would be a more constructive use of your time than polishing your horse, tack and boots in the hope that you just might go hunting, but hunting we went! Thank heavens for the tolerance and generosity of the landowners in our country who are prepared to allow us to do so when other Hunts are not so fortunate. We met at The Queen's Arms in Egerton Forstal where we've not met for a number of years now and it was great to receive a warm welcome from the new landlord, Roy. The food was excellent and ever since Dot Jalfreizi espoused the theory that the fatter you are the less you fall off (that's the expurgated version), I have made it my mission to increase my body mass several times over! So it was that I spent a happy half hour on Mojo eating my way through a dozen ham sandwiches and spring rolls and swigging whiskey mac until we set sail for Acorn Wood, the buttons of my jacket threatening to give way under the ever increasing pressure and shoot off with the velocity of a surface to air missile! I noticed Dot eyeing them warily but luckily they held and we rattled around in Acorn Wood on trails laid earlier that ensured every waterlogged ditch in the area was traversed! Mojo was a superstar and leapt everything without fuss or bother and from Acorn Wood we swam towards Kingsden, some of us more literally than others; it was here that Oliver Pascal and Bonnie, his steely charger, disappeared completely from view in a puddle worthy of Sir Francis Drake's navigational skills. Dot Jalfreizi, whose sympathetic nature ensures she remains in charge of the Fallers Club, did her bit to assist by taking photos. On reaching Kingsden it was the turn of Frances Beach to end up on the deck; she's obviously not heavy enough, no matter what that bloody awful husband of hers says! Frances was swiftly followed by John Stevenson who slid elegantly to the floor (I suspect it was his dry weight and not his wet weight that was the cause of his untimely departure from the saddle) and as the storm clouds gathered hounds led us off to Little Southernden and South Park where, just as Dot was beginning to think that she couldn't take any more of your collective antics, Charlotte Maddison threw herself in the stream! Dot was beside herself! Well done the lot of you. Back at Kingsden enough hot food to feed an army awaited everyone, all kindly provided by John and Sue Palmer, who clearly agree with Dot's theory about the relativity and ratio of rider weight to falls! Thanks to Roy at The Queen's Arms for hosting the Meet for us and to all those involved in setting the day up together with the landowners who kindly allowed us across some very sodden fields.

(28/12/2009) - The Bull at Benenden


     Monday Meet
Author - Sam

Following Sarah Stevens anywhere is always bound to end in excitement and as we followed her through the back lanes to the Meet at Benenden, this particular Monday morning was no exception - one of her horses, Rusty, decided it was time for a lay down in the trailer, obviously exhausted after Christmas and catching up on a quick forty winks before his day's hunting. We all dashed out to assist only to find on returning to our vehicle it had helpfully rolled forward and lodged itself in the back of Sarah's! Oops! Luckily no damage was done and Sarah and her daughter, Bomber, hopped on their mounts and headed to the Meet, neither horse being any the worse for their antics. We had a very good turn out, both mounted and on foot and it was lovely to see so many children out, having had to cancel the Godinton Park Meet due to the weather. Westminster Jalfreizi was out and about causing carnage and who, at the end of the day, managed to make it into the Fallers' Club, apparently injuring everything except her mouth! She wasn't the only one to part company with her trusty steed though as Charlotte Hilton (one of Paris's siblings no doubt) did the very same thing and tumbled to the deck after her pony tripped. At the beginning of the day I had serious misgivings that I too might make it to the ubiquitous Fallers Club as my charger for the day was the new horse, Mojo and it was his first time out. It has to be said, however, that Mojo behaved like an absolute saint throughout, standing quietly at the Meet and giving me ample opportunity to maximize on the mince pies, any whiskey mac on offer and the pub's facilities and ultimately providing me with what turned out to be a most enjoyable day's hunting. We had set a course for Benenden School where we were chaperoned in and out (I think to ensure that we had left and weren't coming back again!) by John Hare and where hounds rocketed about on trails laid through the woods, back and forth between Mount Farm, Chittenden Farm and Doves Farm to Coursehorn. It was here that Nanna Battle had to pack up and head off back home to Knobbington Towers (where she has a well earned grace and favour apartment with Lord Carter following many years' faithful service); her arthritic knee had been causing her no end of gip but at her age it's nothing short of a miracle that she's able to carry on doing these things (pole dancing, mountaineering and following hounds!) so we bid her goodnight, after wrestling her hip flask off her, and carried on to-ing and fro-ing. At some point between Coursehorn and the sunken road I bade everyone goodnight too, having lost a shoe and Mo being quite worn out from his debut, so with Frances and Eileen Beach for company I hacked back to the parking, all of us doing our best to avoid that bloody awful husband of hers, Keith, on our travels!! I'm reliably informed that after we'd departed hounds gave everyone a good run for their money, taking them through on trails that saw them going as far as Dockenden in Hempstead, but after which they began to lose the light and so everyone headed for home, having thoroughly enjoyed themselves and all promising to be out again on either Wednesday, Saturday or both! Many thanks to John Hare for setting the day up and to our kind hosts at The Bull Inn, Benenden.

(26/12/2009) - Boxing Day Meet


     The Vine at Tenterden
Author - Sam

Having dropped the horses off at Tescos (Kenny and Clyde were looking for bargains) I shot off with the trailer to park it up at Ingleden and as I drove through the high street who should I see being interviewed by the Police but our Dishonourable Hunt Secretary, Mrs Backlash. Goodness, I thought, whatever has she done now?! Surely Christmas is the season of good will to all men, and women, even those with a long and established criminal track record. Anyway, they let her go with a caution and hounds met outside the Vine at 11am. There were some new faces out with us, which is always a welcome sight and a few who've not managed to get out for a while. It was good to see Sue Smith back in the saddle (even if it's usually only for a limited period!). Around 1500 people were there to see us off (after that I ran out of fingers to count on) which is always a welcome sight, even though the weather left a lot to be desired. As we left the Vine the roar from the crowd was fantastic, an obvious indicator of public support for the hunt and hunting in general. Having collected the rest of the pack from a secret location in Kent, where Ronald, Chief Terrier Boy, had camouflaged them all as street furniture, we set off to Keith and Frances Beach and Frances' parents where the first set of trails had been laid. I sent all the pretty girls off down to the bottom of the field so that I had the Pascall boys all to myself but my outrageous flirting was curtailed by our Joint Master's desire to go off and jump something, as usual. Once everyone was finally over the fences (you know who you are) that Keith and Frances had built we set off up the lane to Robhurst. From here it took the intrepid Karen Hamer and friend two and a half hours to get home to Ingleden, which is only a ten minute ride away from there, using Sue Smith's satellite navigation skills! Then it was on to trails laid at Boldshaves and Knock Wood and after which Neil blew for home with everyone going back for one of Gabi's infamous cups of tea and a slice of home made cake. Jot Dalfreizi reports that not one of you managed to fall off which, (not even you, Sue Smith!) for a Boxing Day Meet, is not only astonishing but deeply disappointing. Jot's theory is that as everyone had eaten so much over the festive period it not only soaked up anything you might have imbibed but made you all too heavy to fall off! Still, there's always Monday!

(25/12/2009) - AVH Christmas Present Ideas


     2010 Calendar and more
Author - Steve Carter

Looking for that last minute Christmas present? The Ashford Valley have the perfect gifts. The 2010 hanging calendar has 24 colour photographs of the AVH taken during the past year with space to make notes. A delightful reminder of the AVH to grace your wall, and the perfect stocking filler! £10 (plus £1 p&p if posted) For those of you who know and enjoy Belinda Sillars sculptures now is the time to get her new book, 'Trouble', all about one of her infamous terriers adventures. Beautifully illustrated, signed, hardback for only £20, Belinda is kindly giving the Ashford Valley £5 from each book sold. For either of the above please contact Gabi on 07740 642668 or email steve.carter@ashfordvalleyhunt.com Caps, ties, scarves, bodywarmers, fleeces and sweatshirts in all sizes and many colours make an ideal gift. Contact Jo Hewitt on 01580 715001 or email steve.carter@ashfordvalleyhunt.com

(03/12/2009) - Hothfield Christmas Tree Festival


     AVH Tree on Display
Author - Steve Carter

Our huntsman Neil Staines together with subscribers Gabi and James Sillars have decorated a Christmas tree as part of Hothfield church's Christmas Tree Festival at St Maraget's. Entrance is free and the church is open for viewing this Friday, Saturday and Sunday (4th, 5th & 6th)

(14/11/2009) - Hunt Ball


     Preparations
Author - Sam

Up and down the country the ladies of the Ashford Valley are dusting down their dancing frocks and shoes, erstwhile the men are busy shoe-horning themselves with the aid of talcum powder and WD40 into corsets and girdles, all in readiness for the Hunt Ball. So look out Jeff Vickers! I am going to look like a Fairy Princess. All is pretty much in order. Glass Slippers? Check. Pumpkin? Check. Prince Charming?! Erm, this could be a bit of a challenge. Finding Prince Charming at the Hothfield end of the country is going to present me with as many problems as the annual search for the AVH Nativity when 3 wise men and a virgin are required. An uphill struggle at best. My teeth have been rasped, my toenails trimmed by the farrier and painted with Hammerite, hair strimmed, plaited or blowtorched off, the remains labeled 'biohazard' and disposed of and so now it's time to whip off the vetwrap, stuff the brassier with gamgee and hope that things are as good as they're going to get. Brad Pitt (who, for the uninitiated out there is not, in fact, a coal mine in Yorkshire) would find it hard to resist my charms. Jeff Vickers, in the absence of Oliver Pascall, is in for it, as they say at Roedean. Mrs Backlash has forsaken a VIP pass to Lashings for the night, Sarah Stephens will be taking the form of Scarlett Johansson for the evening (as usual, she scrubs up well) and making up the St Trinians contingent will be Wot Jalfreizi. Tickets have been selling faster than Rocky Jalfreizi can shoe your horse and all in all it looks like it looks set to be another memorable night!

(31/10/2009) - Opening Meet


     Village Green High Halden
Author - Sam

Thankfully the worst of the weather held off and saw us all assembled on the village green at High Halden for the Opening Meet of the Ashford Valley Foxhounds. As tradition dictates, Peter and Daphne Deacon generously hosted the Meet, providing enough cherry brandy, whisky mac, Mars bars et al to sink a battleship, but not the AVH! Peter Deacon and his mount, Murphy, were polished and plaited to within an inch of their lives as was everyone. New faces and old acquaintances had turned out in their number and once everyone was suitably refreshed, Joint Master John Palmer gave a short speech and away we went down to Rob Hooker's. Rob had thoughtfully left every gate shut tight in order that the Hunt could jump right the way through, and they did. His daughter, a talented rider, was not astride a pony but on a quad for the day instead, what a shame because that girl knows her way over a hedge! Keeping up the reputation of the AVH as the Hottest Hunt in Kent were Holly Levett (recently married, congratulations), together with Dot Dot Dash Dash Jalfreizi, Tooting (Beck) Jalfreizi, Danny's gorgeous blonde wife and daughter (whose names escape me, I'm sorry), the Beautiful Beach Babes and that dreadful husband/Dad of theirs, Keith, with his bloody camera, Pippa Jones whose lipstick never seems to smudge, Scarlett Johannson-Stephenson (aka Sarah) and the Daring Douglas Duo (occasionally a trio) and Lord Carter's Unfaithful Retainer Ms Battle, to mention but a few. Obviously Joint Master, Tim Laite, the terrier boys and Mike Sargeant did the best that anyone could with a bit of eyeliner and rouge but MAC don't work miracles. Hounds worked Hogpat some considerable time (a conservative estimate!) where trails had been laid before they picked up on the next set of trails that took us to Herontoll Wood, to Knock Wood at Ingleden where they were lifted up and re-casted on lines heading towards Boldshaves, whereafter the field enjoyed a long run back to Woodchurch. The most spectacular fall of the day had to go to Helen Douglas who fell foul of Gedges Hedges, providing everyone with an unparalleled example of vaulting and riding side saddle simultaneously. We could all learn something from this girl! Unfortunately Helen suffered a broken ankle as a result, but in true Dot Dot Dash Dash Jalfreizi style carried on riding for the rest of the day. Also, in true Jalfreizi household style, her parents forced her back into the saddle and neglected to take her for any kind of medical attention until some 48 hours later. Her mother, Kate Douglas, clearly had her mind elsewhere and otherwise occupied (probably by thoughts of a previous day's trail hunting where she and I spent a happy half hour collecting items of mensware from woodland in Wittersham). All in all the day was a successful and great start to the season. Our thanks to Peter Deacon and Kate Douglas for setting the day up, to all the landowners who allowed us access, to Peter and Daphne Deacon for their generous hospitality and to all those without whose continued support and hard work in every way shape and form ensures the continuance of the AVH.

(30/10/2009) - Opening Meet - 31 Oct 09


     High Halden
Author - Sam

Hurrah! My lucky hunting pants are dry. Boooo! The electric fire's burnt a hole in them. Anyway, it is with baited breath that this evening, all over Kent, households are full of the eager and excited. What is it that is causing such anticipation? Is it that Halloween is tomorrow night? Is that Christmas is only 8 weeks, 1 day and 7 hours away? No! None of these. It's because tomorrow is the Opening Meet of the Ashford Valley Foxhounds kindly hosted by Mr and Mrs P Deacon. So, will Sarah Stevens' alarm go off in time? Will Tim feed Clydey as a special treat? Will Jot Dalfreizi be stunt riding upside down with one arm in a sling, the other tied behind her back? Will Knightsbridge Jalfreizi be out on her gypsy piebald international dressage jumping pony practicing her cross country schooling? Will Peter Deacon be mounted? Will Champion the Wonder Hound have finished writing his memoirs? Will Rupert have ironed his map? Will Neil have fixed the hole located directly above his head in the hound wagon, where hounds travel, that ensures it rains on Neil even when it isn't wet outside?! Will Lord Carter's unfaithful retainer have mended the hole in the crotch that the mice ate out of Joint Master Tim Laite's best breeches? But finally, and most importantly, will Mrs Back make it back from Lashings in time? No one will know the answer to these questions until tomorrow, at 11am, when hounds meet on the village green at High Halden by kind permission of the Parish Council. If you want to find out what happens then you need to ensure that you're there. If, however, you want to read my unexpurgated and entirely fictional account of the day, then catch up with all the news on the AVH website and in the meantime I'll take my medication and look forward to seeing everyone tomorrow!

(25/10/2009) - Blue Anchor Farm Hunter Trials, Godstone


     Sunday, 18th October 2009
Author - Sam

When you have finally lost all of the marbles you might once have been in possession of together with your faculties, you go team chasing. I was presented with the opportunity of joining in this fracas or extravaganza for lunatics at Blue Anchor Farm, Godstone, to which I replied "if you make me do it I will lock myself in the Port-A-Loo until it's all over". Unfortunately there was only one Port-A-Loo for the whole event. Fortunately, Frankie went slightly lame after hunting the previous Wednesday and someone drugged Geoff Adams and made him take my place, and so it was that a happy band of lunatics, consisting of Robert Pascal (Chief Loon, it being his idea in the first place), Tim Laite (one too many bangs on the head might explain away his incapacity for rational thought) and Geoff Adams (I have no idea what his excuse is, perhaps Linda's purchased a DIY Home Full Frontal Lobotomy Kit?!) sallied forth, representing the AVH around a course of fences that I'd initially been assured were only 3'3" but which turned out to be 5 foot plus. Personally I'd have been throwing up during the warm up but not this lot! Grinning in a way that only the insane, blind or a chimpanzee can manage they popped the warm up fences before setting off at, what the commentator, Peter Webb MFDH of the Mid-Surrey Farmers' Drag, called "a lick" (must have been fast!) and those boys flew! Robert had already tackled the intermediate course on his chestnut, Fred, and had whizzed round scooping a very respectable 4th placing. Not content with not killing himself at the first attempt he gave it another bash and led Tim (riding the Legend that is Clydey) and Geoff (riding Mr Mole at a furious pace) as a team of three around the sweeping course of ditches, hedges, water and rails while Camilla (Robert's wife), myself and Tim's daughter, Anna, watched on in awe. Unfortunately, one hedge from home, Geoff's stirrup leather broke and he took a crashing fall that saw him skating 20 feet across the field on his back. Mr Mole continued without him. What a shame that was because had Geoff's tack withstood the punishment the AVH team would doubtless have been in the rosettes. So well done boys! An outstanding, not to mention brave, performance! Later that afternoon a "friend", not realising that I'd escaped this ordeal by the skin of my teeth, sent me a text enquiring after whether or not I had killed myself and who'd assumed, without asking, it was the latter and had obligingly written my obituary. What follows are her words, not mine. For fear of reprisals I'll not mention her name, other than to give you a clue, that it starts with a "C" and ends in "lare Battle" ... read it and weep: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mark the passing of a dear friend - gathered here together in the eyes of Hern, God of Hunting, in this magnificent temple dedicated to the spice of life and gluttony, a metaphor for Sam's life that I trust is not lost on you all. We celebrate the life and times of Sam Hayes aka Miss Lovatt-Standing, concubine to the Gypsy Jake Lovealott MFH and mistress of whips for the Ashford Valley Foxhounds. I think it fair to say that she was a game girl, when not laying in her bed she could be seen indulging in a range of rural pursuits, from hawking to hunting, she was never happier than when striding the Weald in wellies and jodhpurs. Never known to cook or clean, always smoking and drinking - she was a shining example of womankind for us all. No party will be complete now and her raucous laugh will ring across the green fields of Kent no longer. The Gypsy Jake Lovealott MFH will now have to learn which horse is Clydey and which is Tommy Rocket, what a running martingale is and the difference between an American gag and a gimp gag. Her love of French cooks - sorry, I mean cuisine - was legendary as was her capacity to forgive and forget (how else would any women survive the Gypsy Jake Lovealott MFH?!). She will be dearly missed by us all, except for "Rat Boy". Her dying wish was to be buried with a random terrier boy and Rats is, in fact, a bit cross about the whole thing. On a personal note my last memory of Sam is of her curb crawling behind me two nights ago, saying in a mannish voice, "how much love?" I think this not only demonstrates her laugh at life attitude but her completely indiscriminate sexual preferences. Please, charge your glasses ... To Sam - may Beelzebub be shaking in his boots!

(24/10/2009) - Owley Farm, Wittersham


     By kind permission of Mr & Mrs T Piper
Author - Sam

Oh good, it's raining, again. My joy at the forecast 50mph winds and rain was exceeded only by my joy at seeing our Hon Hunt Secretary, Christina Back, fresh from another one of her hedonistic pleasure trips to Poland, with my duty free fags! Christina had, however, picked up a nasty infection on her travels (I lose count of the number of times I have cautioned her about these things) and took herself off early in order that she might indulge her secret Lempsip habit (what a pleasure junkie and shining example of womankind she is to us all!). Anyway, it was raining again, but not as much as it rained on Wednesday and so it was that I was thankful not only for the duty free fags but for small mercies. Terry Chappell was back on fine form after his fall on Wednesday and Battersea Jalfreizi was out minus her chaperone, Jot, who materialised later on in the day, returning from her continental wanderings, looking far too bronzed and lovely for my liking! Anyway, trails had been laid across Owley where hounds worked well for some time before Neil lifted them and re-cast them across the road in the general direction of Calais. At one point I thought we might all be headed for the cross-channel ferry! Neil, however, with his usual panache, managed to ensure that hounds did not get as far as Dungeness (bandit country - ES&RM) and saw to it that they worked the trails laid over the marshes. The going was incredibly slick with all the rain that we'd had the previous Wednesday and whilst my faithful steed and international superstar, Frankie and I, slid down the entire side of one field, Kerry Frampton was not so lucky. Rounding a corner at death defying speed (a family trait) she wheel spun. Valiantly Kerry tried her best to stay in the saddle but gravity was against her, plus the fact that her mount was now laying sideways on the deck, and so it was that they parted company. Joint Master, Tim Laite, resisting the temptation to jump this newly presented obstacle, caught Kerry's horse for her and they were reunited none the worse for the high speed blow out, or the mud that they were both now liberally coated in! As the rain really set in Neil blew for home and 20½ couple of somewhat damp but happy hounds, horses and riders all made their way back to Owley. Our thanks to Tim Piper, not only our host for the day but who, with Kate Douglas, set everything up for us.

(21/10/2009) - Grafty Green


     Wet Wet Wet
Author - Sam

It's wet when Sarah Stevens packs up early! At 7 o'clock, a.m., it was not only dark but it was raining A LOT. Specifically on me, or at least it felt like it was raining specifically on me. When Neil enquired after my welfare (well it was dark and he probably didn't realise it was me to be fair) I pointed out that it was easily in excess of 4 hours before I might usually awaken, Lazarus-like from my pit, and that it was raining excessively on my head and that, therefore, things were not really as well with my world as they might otherwise have been. At a minimum I require at least 14hrs beauty sleep and an iron in order that I don't scare small children or get booked up too early for Halloween, but if I thought things were bad at 7am they were, sadly, about to get much worse with regards to the weather ... in fact, my lucky hunting pants are still drying out on the electric fire as I type. Hounds, however, clearly regarded the monumental downpour that was Wednesday morning as little more than an inclement blip and to say that they screamed round on trails that I thought must surely have been washed away would be like saying Johnny Depp is a fairly ordinary looking bloke, or Tim Laite's got an enormous *some text missing* and so it was that hounds flew from Grafty Green right through Mansion House, Little Boyd Court and on to the Headcorn/Ulcombe Road. Neil lifted hounds to take a line back and which then saw them almost immediately returning to the garden centre at Grafty Green. During this time Terry Chappell cleared, with alacrity I hasten to add, a hunt jump that Arnold, his trusty steed, declined. As a result of the bang on the head he received, Terry was making less sense than usual (difficult, I know) and so he and I circumvented the hedge that wiped Joint Master, Tim Laite and poor Clydey, out and rejoined the action by Sunnyside Farm on the Lenham Road, where we were lucky enough to see what might well have been the best example of hounds working this season and which more than made up for the fact that we were, by that late stage, entirely sodden! By the time Neil blew for home, hounds and horses were dripping wet and, what was left of the field, all bore an uncanny resemblance to shriveled prunes, looking as if they'd outstayed their welcome in the bath!

(18/10/2009) - AVH Hunter Trial Review


     Bonfleur Cross Country Course, Linton
Author - AVH

There were 173 entries in the 3rd annual Ashford Valley Hunt Hunter Trials held at Bonfleur Cross Country Course, Linton on Sunday 20th September by kind permission of Robert and Camilla Pascall. The Bonfleur fences designed and built by Oli Pascall were extended to include the mini novice and novice courses with the help of many AVH supporters who worked extremely hard to make the day successful for competitors and officials alike. Several days and evenings were spent building, maintaining, placing and painting fences, but as the saying goes ?many hands make light work?! Peter P kindly bought along his post hole borer which we managed to break, not once but twice! Camilla, Sally, Abigail and Chelsea managed to cover themselves with glory and paint several times! Christina made so many trips with her trailer, here, there and everywhere else that she needs new tyres! She also had her hedge lopped so that it could be used as decoration on the course, now that is dedication to the cause! Clare, who had delivered Christmas trees, (more decoration), bravely perched with a wheel, on the front of the quad Camilla was driving to measure all four course distances and stayed on! Rob, James, Oli, Jo and Pete discovered gold whilst digging six humungously deep holes to fix the Pheasant Feeders, all I can say is that they must have enormous pheasants at Bonfleur! Gabi was still painting the teeth on the Saw Benches whilst competitors were walking the course on Saturday afternoon, she always leaves things till the last minute! Terry, although stewarding for the OSB &WK hunter trials held the same day, (must liase better!) was there at each work party beavering away with everything we might need in the back of his Discovery, he probably had the kitchen sink hidden under the tools if you looked hard enough! Tim?s training in engineering came in useful as he directed the finer levels! Robert?s new method of apple picking was to get the chainsaw out and cut the branches off so that the angles of approach to some fences was improved, perhaps other fruit farmers should take note of this novel method! The apples were then used to decorate the AVH Apple Box final fence in the Open. We have now proved that the hunt marquee and Christina?s marquee can be put up in less than two hours by two men, one girl, one lady over 50 and one lady over 60, they have used up their tent erecting skills for the next 10 years! Steve & Tracy were night watchmen on Saturday night to ensure the marquees were safe, the best way to test a new relationship so they say! once again, true dedication to the cause! Debs, Rick and Kate?s D & G numbered all four courses without a hitch. Others who helped with the course and setting up were Clare G, Mick and Vanessa, David H, John P, Graham P, Janet H, Peter F, and last but not least Ricky J who managed to stay away from the paint his family had such an affinity for! Announcer Keith was sent up the ladder onto a trailer with chair and bulk bin table so that he could oversee proceedings and make suitable comments, he could be heard loud & clear at the top of the course and everyone appreciated his commentary. Competing on occasion with Keith was Jo who was in charge of the collecting ring and ensuring that riders were sent to the start promptly, those competitors who were dilatory were given a succinct and piercing reminder which is just what was needed to keep the day flowing well. The starters, Kate and Liz, started and finished in good humour and made sure that the classes ran smoothly. Ann and her friend were tucked away scoring in the quietest corner so that they could concentrate and were not seen from the first to the last class when they emerged, blinking, into the sunlight, an un-enviable job. The refreshment team, you know who you are but in case others do not it is time to name and congratulate you on feeding so many whilst still being able to see the funny side, Sue, Sheila & Richard, - the competitors, judges and general dogs bodies all appreciated your culinary skills. As rain had been absent for some time the course was worked on and sand placed where necessary to guarantee the going was as good as it could be. The improvements made recently to the course ensured that all classes had some new fences and routes to last year. The new open ditch complex was testing but fair and the new hay wagons, sponsored by John Page Trailers, all jumped like a dream. The TMS Equestrian Groundwork Specialist bank complex is another new addition to the course which made riders concentrate as did the BTF Lister Village complex. Other generous sponsors included Hobbs Parker Auctioneers, Scats Country Stores, Roberts Country Vehicles, Highgrove Garden Centre, Birchalls Riding Shop, Elite Pubs, Philip Daubeny, Four Jays Group and the Stilebridge Inn. Bonfleur Cross Country Course is open by appointment Wednesday to Sunday for schooling, to book call Oli 07976138120. The day started with the Mini Novice Pairs in first place Megan and Cicely Rice-Wilson riding Princess and Jazz in a time of 2.04, 2nd place, Pippa Julians on Sunny Boy Blue and Estelle McCabe on Autumn Oasis in 2.19, 3rd place, Chelsea Jeffery on Misty Lyra and Lizzie Clark on Twinkle in 2.53. The Individual winner was Estelle McCabe with Autumn Oasis in 1.56, 2nd Stephanie Wiltshire on Chester in 2.03, 3rd Chelsea Jeffery on Misty Lyra in 2.04. Sheila Bishop on Shanna and Melissa Marien on Flynn were victorious in the Novice Pairs in 3.32 just one second short of the optimum time, 2nd Eileen Beach on Strike it Lucky and Frances Beach on Frank in a time of 3.30, 3rd Lewis Simmons riding Rocky the Third and Sarah Lovell riding Baron Von Trap in 3.25. Joint first in the Individual Novice were James Cobb on Minstrel and Imogen Elliot on Ferrari Fox in 3.29, 3rd Karen Davis riding Evening Song in 3.27. The Intermediate pairs winners were Two for Blue ridden by Amy Baxter and Caspar ridden by Sophie Thorbek in 4.59, 2nd Millie Piper riding Trixie and Helen Douglas riding Topper in 5.05. 3rd Gill Denzey on Daisy and Sophie Bishop on She-Demon in 5.25. The winning combination in the Individual Intermediate class was Andrea Davey on Easter Rose in exactly the optimum time of 4.53, 2nd Liz Biggs on Rocky in 4.54, 3rd Jess Summers and Summers Girl in 4.55. Adam Trew on board Taweell in a time of 4.55 took top honours in the Open Class, 2nd Rory Newton-Dunn riding Listan Leader in 5.04, 3rd Naomi Henderson on Dink in 5.12. Unfortunately due to the hard going and it being first past the post there were no takers for the AV Team Challenge so the imposing trophy remains in store until next year when we hope the going will be perfect and there will be plenty of teams who enjoy a ?challenge?. The Ashford Valley would like to thank all those who judged, helped and competed, we could not have managed without you.

(14/10/2009) - Clockhouse Farm


     By kind permission of Mr and Mrs R Pascall
Author - Sam

Compared to the numbers that turned out on Sunday for our Newcomers' Day we'd either scared them all off, scarred them for life or someone had tipped them all off that Ollie Pascall had been out building his 876th intermediate fence for the cross country course! In fact, those Pascall boys have actually removed all the gates at Clock House and now your only option is to leap something that Pippa Funnell would think twice about! Gotta love 'em, eh? Not only that but they'd been out and repaired all the fences that our Field Master, Tim Laite, had demolished last Season, and so it was that 4 brave, lobotomized Ashford Valley members sallied forth. It would have been 5 but Sarah Stevens had overslept, having spent the previous night partying at Lashings of Maidstone with Mrs Back. The latter made it to the meet so Sarah clearly doesn't have the staying power!! Penny Harrison was there on a horse smaller than most of the fences and so hats off to her! Our stalwart terrier boys had been out laying trails over the entirety of the North Downs and the Weald and hounds obligingly flew, our only boundaries being Maidstone and Hastings it seemed! A fantastic day was enjoyed by all those present and under strict instructions from Camilla Pascall a phone call was made half an hour before Neil blew for home to ensure that the bacon and eggs were properly cooked! 17 days, 4 hours and 32 minutes to the Opening Meet of the Ashford Valley, Tally Ho!!

(11/10/2009) - Newcomers' Day


     Luckhurst Farm
Author - Sam

When the combined forces of a grinning Gabbi Sillers and Christina Back come at you to tell you that your services are required for the newcomers' day, if you know what's best for you, you smile politely and acquiesce, without hesitation ... they can smell your fear! And so it was that we all pitched up on Sunday afternoon with cars full of beaming faces and those who looked positively sick with excitement! Forty odd newcomers had turned out to experience a shortened day's trail hunting. To add to the authenticity it rained on us all. To add further to the authenticity of the experience I downed 5 glasses of port without pausing for breath and the newcomer, Laura Martin, in whose charge I was, obviously thought this was hunting etiquette and promptly followed suit. Her steed for the day had been kindly provided by Rupert Boswell who did a sterling job of not only providing her mount polished and tacked but also brought his horse to the meet for her. I hope she doesn't think this is normal. A true day's hunting begins and is not complete without a fist fight with the Master on the yard before stealing his tack and setting off without him! Once we were all assembled our Huntsman, Neil Staines, introduced various members of the Hunt and talked everyone through a variety of hunting terminology, dress codes, horn blows and their meanings. John Palmer, Joint Master, then gave a brief talk on hunting etiquette and thanked our host, Mr Tim Piper, who allows the Ashford Valley across his land come rain or shine and without whose generosity many a day's hunting would not be possible, and whose daughter was, unluckily for her, our only faller for the day. After all the introductions and explanations were concluded Neil blew for hounds and Joint Master, Tim Laite, called everyone forwards. I informed Laura, my newcomer, that she should stick with me and my trusty steed, Frankie, helpfully plunged forwards and took off sideways and then backwards before leaving Laura trailing in a wake of mud and sweat. When I returned to Laura who was looking completely in charge of the situation and as cool as a cucumber on her mount, Bogie, I was looking anything but, resembling someone who'd just had their first sauna of the day and who didn't dare take their hands off the reins to try and light a fag. I asked her if she was having fun but as Frankie leapt sideways I wasn't around long enough to catch her answer. While Laura cantered around enjoying herself, totally in control, I searched desperately for someone to nanny me!! Meanwhile our Joint Master and Field Master for the day, Tim Laite, had abandoned his only child into the capable hands of Sarah Stevens having taken the view that the combined qualities of myself and Frankie were entirely unsuitable for the job. Anna, Tim's daughter, provided us all with the first bit of excitement of the day. As Neil worked hounds slightly ahead of us, Anna's pony, Alchemy, decided that being in the field was not for him any longer and with that he was off to join Neil and Rick working hounds and whipping in. As Alchemy galloped across the fields to join Neil, bucking as he went, Anna bravely stuck like glue to his saddle and Frankie, myself and Sarah Stevens all gave chase. Luckily Neil gallantly came to Anna's rescue and she, Alchemy and Sarah were all reunited. Although a little shocked by Alchemy's sudden decision to enroll himself into hunt service, Anna bravely continued and saw out the entire day, cantering and galloping alongside Sarah like a true pro. Those whom I briefly encountered long enough to say more than "watch out" to, were beaming and saying that they were having a great time. Hounds worked brilliantly along laid trails and our terrier men did a fantastic job of laying lines that simulated a good day's hunting, challenging both Neil and hounds throughout. Neil blew for home some two and a half hours after we'd started and a lot of tired but happy riders and horses hacked back to Luckhurst Farm for much needed refreshments which were kindly provided by various supporters. We hope everyone who came out enjoyed their day and we look forward to seeing some of those faces out again on Wednesdays and Saturdays throughout the season. A huge thank you too to everyone who gave up their time and Sunday roasts to help.

(10/10/2009) - Kingsden Farm


     By kind permission of Mr and Mrs J Palmer
Author - Sam

Always a good meet and breakfast afterwards had proved to be a temptation no-one could resist! As we were making ready for the off I was abandoned by our Joint Master, Tim Laite, leaving my trusty steed Clydey doing his proverbial nut by the trailer. Jot Dalfreizi came to my rescue and not only did she manage to look after her younger sibling Kensington she looked after me too until I was mounted and as secure in the saddle as I was ever going to be. Whilst grappling with Clydey, Jot and I were discussing the ubiquitous Fallers' Club and, alas, it proved to be the case that Jot jinxed herself, taking a spectacular fall later that day that would have seen lesser mortals taking themselves off home for a hot bath, 20 Valium and a reassessment of how they spent their spare time. Not our Jot. She is bionic. She soldiered on in spite of the fact that she was clearly in a considerable amount of pain, refusing point blank to go home. She later revealed that her dad, whose name I dare not mention for fear of reprisals, had been kind enough to admonish her for some minor misdemeanor without enquiry as to her injury, so no sympathy to be had there for poor Jot. Tottenham Jalfreizi on the other hand was very concerned and expressed it through the medium of practicing her cross country schooling on her trusty steed Misty over the yawning subsidiary of the Great Stour that runs through Southpark. It's only a matter of time before one of those girls gets a call for the 2012 Olympics. All this excitement proved to be too much for me to take and I ended up inadvertently traumatizing Mrs Barham with tails of the Joint Master's hunting panties ... but which one?! (anyway, enough about that for now!). Trails had been laid through from Kingsden to Little Southernden and Southpark and hounds rocketed round in a fashion that I can only imagine would put other hunts to shame. The way hounds were speaking through Southpark made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up on end. Pulling hounds out of Southpark Neil brought them back up to Kingsden for the last set of trails before finally blowing for home and Sue Palmer's legendary breakfast!

(30/09/2009) - AVH Newcomers' Day


     Free taster day for those who have never hunted before
Author - Steve Carter

The Ashford Valley Hunt are participating in the Countryside Alliance's Newcomers' Week this year. Our Newcomers Day will be on Sunday 11th October at 2pm on the Isle of Oxney. There will be a trail hunt followed by refreshments and a questions and answers session. If you would like to attend our Newcomers' Day please book with Christina Back Tel: 07759 019 506 or email: christina.back@ashfordvalleyhunt.com THIS EVENT IS FREE AND IS INTENDED FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER HUNTED BEFORE Terms and conditions apply

(01/09/2009) - Ashford Valley Hunter Trial


     Ashford Valley Team Challenge Cup
Author - Gabi Sillars

The third annual Ashford Valley Hunter Trial run at Bonfleur Cross Country Course is being held on September 20th. This year there have been several major improvements to the course, a new natural hedge and a new ditch have been made for the Open course, a new bank complex has been included for the Open, Intermediate and Novice, also new hay wagons for these three classes. Additionally two new Mini Novice classes, pairs and individual, have been added with the fences at approx 1 foot 9 inches to start the day. As in the past the fences for the Novice class and now the Mini Novice are built specifically to encourage riders and horses alike. The last class of the day is the Ashford Valley Team Challenge Cup which will be ridden over the Open Course for teams of three for those who enjoy a challenge. For schedules please email a request to steve.carter@ashfordvalleyhunt.com or send an SAE to AVH HT, Hill House, Swanton Street, Bredgar, Kent ME9 8AS.

(19/07/2009) - Kent County Show - Inter Hunt Team Relay


     VICTORY TO THE VALLEY!!!
Author - Mrs Backlash

The Ashford Valley put forward 2 teams; the A Team was made up by Vanessa Frampton riding African Dancer, Kate Gale riding Herbie, Helen Williams riding Nicodemus and Tim Laite dangerously passengering Clydey about like a suicidal motorcycle stunt rider! Their Chef d'Equipe, responsible for licking them all into shape was Frances Beach. The B team was made up of Sam Hayes riding Frankie, Mike Sargent riding Flick, Di Broad riding Rupert Boswall's Bogey and Clare Grant riding Percy. I was their Chef d'Equipe and, as you can imagine, I had my work cut out with that lot! Practises had been organised by Sam and were held at Sunnyside Farm, Headcorn by kind permission of the Selby family with everyone putting plenty of effort in, if nothing else! The day itself was okay weather wise and the going was good. Seven teams were competing against each other and the Mid Surrey Drag had a bye into the 2nd round. Both our teams won through into the second round where, unfortunately, they had to jump against each other. The A Team narrowly won through to the final against the Old Surrey and Burstow and West Kent and it was as much as I could do to keep the AVH teams separated afterwards, the B team were hopping that they hadn't beaten the A team and were out for blood (and we all know how punchy that lot can get, especially Mike!). The final was a nailbiting affair but the A Team won the day, Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!!! and defended the title we won last year. Tim, the last to go, could not resist a final extra fence at the end, waving his hat in the air to acknowledge the crowd (I suppose we were lucky that was all he waved). The B Team was placed joint 3rd and the A team went on to take 2nd prize in the turnout but all should be complimented on their high standard of turnout. Gleaming coats, shiny boots, pulled tails, plaits beautifully sewn in etc and Tim and Mike had remembered my advice to keep make-up to a minimum. All in all it was a magnificent achievement by both teams so when our Huntsman, Neil, went on to win the Horn Blowing Competition in the main arena it was the icing on the cake for the AVH. Well done Neil. After the relay he paraded twelve and a half couple of hounds in the same ring together with the East Kent and West Street Tickham Hunts and it was great to see so many children coming into the ring to see hounds. Our grateful thanks to all those who assisted, supported, cleaned and groomed. It was all worthwhile. Both Teams and Neil did the Ashford Valley proud.

(09/07/2009) - Garden Party


     blessed with blue sky
Author - Gabi Sillars

The AVH summer Garden Party was blessed with a blue sky, a few fluffy clouds, sun and a gentle breeze but more to the point it was held in a beautiful garden courtesy of Rupert and Marian who were hosts to those members of the AVH attending the lunch. For those of you who could not make it you missed a memorable day, Pimms on arrival, croquet, a TV to watch the men's final at Wimbledon, delightful mown paths cut through the woods to wander along, the garden to explore with it's ponds and superb planting and if you searched far enough a charming vegetable garden and hens happy in a woodland grove. The ladies had produced an outstanding repast of cold salmon, various quiches, new potatoes and salad with the most delicious raspberries, kindly donated by Robert & Camilla, with cream and chocolate brownies to finish. A huge thank you to Rupert & Marian for hosting this event, Annette for her culinary expertise and organising a wonderful day, also to Christina, Steve, Sue and all those who cooked the quiches and provided the raffle prizes. All in all it was the most pleasant way to spend a summer Sunday and we are already looking forward to the Garden Party next year.

(10/05/2009) - Hunt Jump Building


     Chainhurst - contact Tim Laite 07766 432531
Author - Sam

As you all know, we had a busy old season out demolishing all kinds of fences on our fine and trusty steeds and so summer is the time when not only the flowers burst into bloom, the bees start buzzing and songbirds gently awaken me from blissful slumber and particularly gratifying dreams about Ollie Pascal at 5.30am but it is also a time when a swarthy team of men who are macho and women who couldn't come up with an excuse quickly enough, traverse the countryside looking for bits of old fences that need repairing or spots in a fence line where they think it would be a good place to stick a hunt jump. Tirelessly these people, whose television sets have broken and who therefore cannot sit down all day on a Sunday to revel in the misery that is Eastenders, shed not only their shirts but blood, sweat and tears to repair, make good and rebuild everything we've collectively broken; endlessly checking, measuring and arguing over whether or not a hunt jump is up to EU Hunt Jump Standard Issue and size. This Sunday will be no exception. Plans are afoot to put more jumps in and through Chainhurst than there are ways to spell Dot Jalfreizi's surname! If you would like to join this happy band of lunatics admission is completely free. All you have to do is get yourself down to your Doctors immediately, ask him or her to certify you as insane, then give Tim Laite a ring on 07766 432531 to let him know you'd like to come along and then just pitch up at the appointed time/place and away you go. Couldn't be easier. If you've got your own hammer or any other instruments capable of inflicting blunt force trauma then all the better and bring them too. A day out in the countryside, surrounded by the shirtless AVH equivalents of Brad Pitts and George Looney, wearing little more than jeans and their spotted neckerchiefs. What is anyone waiting for?! Dial 07766 432531 immediately. Alternatively take your medication, dial 999 immediately, and go back to laying quietly on the sofa and wait for this particular episode to pass.

(04/05/2009) - Charing Country Fayre


     Charing Racecourse - Monday, 4th May 2009
Author - Sam

This will be the second Country Fayre that the AVH has organised and if last year's was anything to go by no-one should miss it this time around. Apart from all the stalls that will be there selling all sorts of goodies and from which you can purchase all your necessities and unnecessaries, there's going to be laser shooting, terrier racing, birds of prey, a fun dog show, plant stalls, ferrets, Kentish rarities, delicacies and delights (and by that I mean food and not Joint Master Tim Laite!), gun dog displays, a fairground, arts and crafts, a farmers market selling all sorts of things and where I believe it's possible to purchase your very own farmer, so if you're looking for a new farmer or you just want to trade the old one you've already got in, then Charing Country Fayre's the place for you. The gates open at 10.30am and country arena displays commence at 11am. Entry costs just £2.50 and is free for under 12's. As always, any offer of help either on the day or beforehand to set things up will be gratefully received and anyone wishing to volunteer their services should contact Gabi Sillars on 01622 884534. For information on children's entertainment on the day please contact Rob Harrison on 01233 770066. Finally and if you're like me and have a garage full of stuff that's just taking up space and you want to get shot of, or an old farmer knocking about who's no longer of any use to you, and you'd like a stall from which to sell it all, then please contact Sue Palmer on 01233 756266.

(03/05/2009) - Boot Fair


     Charing Racecourse - Sunday, 3rd May
Author - Sam

The history of Boot Fairs dates back to the 17th Century when King Harold of Headcorn (a beastly tyrant who went about deflowering local virgins and robbing taverns of ill repute in order to fulfil his gin habit) found that he had one too many wives knocking about in his castle and decided to flog them off at one of his regular local fairs. Taxing the peasants using a team of local tough lads who later evolved into terrier boys, had become too time consuming and wasn't generating enough income and so selling off his old wives seemed like a good idea. As King Harold of Headcorn had become tired of his old wives he now referred to them as 'ye olde boots' and before long everyone had begun to refer to these sales as Boot Fairs. So, in the time honoured tradition of selling what most people couldn't give away, the AVH are holding a boot fair at Charing Racecourse on Sunday, 3rd May. The gates open at 7am (just about in time for our Hon Sec Mrs Back to make it back from Lashings of Maidstone, hose herself down and wriggle out of her latex playsuit) and anyone who would like a pitch should contact Annette Bardsley on 07837 721950.

(11/04/2009) - Charing Point-to-Point


     All set for a great day's racing
Author - Steve Carter

Pony racing starts at 12:45, Horse racing from 2:00pm. Car parking including all occupants: £20 on course, £30 on hill side. Foot gate £5

(04/04/2009) - Fallers Club Supper - The Ewe & Lamb, Rolvenden Layne


     Update
Author - Sam

Hopefully all those of you who can still perambulate about under your own steam or with the aid of casts, prosthetics or wheelchairs are now signed up to attend the Fallers' Club Supper on Saturday, 4th April 2009 at The Ewe and Lamb, Rolvenden Lane. A roast dinner carvery, beef and pork, will be available to you all at £10 per head from 6.30pm to 8.45pm. Not only will we all be enjoying some great food, drink and company we've got some photos of the insane and unstable for you to look at and prizes galore for the numerous brave, suicidal and stupid amongst us who've fallen, were pushed, slam dunked or just dropped from their steeds throughout the 2008/2009 Season. The categories for fallers are as follows: Most Concussed, Most Broken Bones, Most Stupid, Craftiest, Best Stunts, Worst Language, Sexiest, Most Frequent Faller, Falling Families, Youngest Faller, Oldest Faller, Most Reliable Fallers and Most Unlikely Fallers and a caption competition. We've got some great prizes to give away including a cross country session at Stocks Farm, Wittersham, a riding lesson with Alison Wynn BHSII, a half day's Hawking flying and handling birds of prey in Kent with Xtreme Falconry, champagne, a day with the Kent & Sussex Minkhounds, 5 bales of good quality hay, use of the Cross Country course at Bonfleur Farm, Linton, £10 worth of vouchers from The Emporium, Headcorn, a cross country lesson with Matt Selby BHSAI, IntSM and event rider also at Bonfleur, £15 worth of fresh meat from Mr and Mrs G Palmer, a free pass to the AVH Point-to-Point on Saturday, 11th April, a bottle of wine, a riding lesson with Matt Selby BHSAI, IntSM and event rider and a few more besides. However, if the faller who wins the prize is not there to collect it on the night there's going to be a swift and impromptu auction with the prize going to the highest bidder, so all those who're coming should have their wallets at the ready. All proceeds will, of course, be going to my Pole Dancing for the Over 80's Club (a registered charity) ... only joking. In fact all proceeds made on the night will go to the AVH. If you've not booked a place and don't want to miss out on what promises to be a great night then call me on 07900 221595, we can still squeeze a few in but be quick as there really are only a few spaces left and remember, this event is also open to non-fallers.

(11/03/2009) - Joint Meet of the AVH and Old Berkshire Hunt


     Hole Park - Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Mike Sargeant is in for it next season! He knows what he's done. Telling the Old Berkshire not to take any notice of me because I am completely bonkers. He might be technically correct but he doesn't have to go around publicising it. When he tips up round the back of a covert, provided Oliver Pascal is nowhere in the immediate vicinity of course, I will well give him evils and do him over, like I did Santa. Anyway, what a fantastic turn out by the Old Berks contingent and I'm reliably informed they were a great crowd too. This information is, however, second hand as Tommy Rocket had managed to lame himself in the field and I was once again on Shanks' Pony. We also had members from the Old Surrey and Burstow and West Kent Hunt, the Mid-Surrey Farmers' Drag and the East Sussex and Romney Marsh Hunt all visiting us for the day. Everyone representing their Hunt's very well indeed, sailing over all obstacles in their path. Jot Dalfreizi rose Lazarus-like with her wrist strapped up to hurl herself over all the hedges and rails one handed (wot a girl!). Geoff Adams, our only faller for the day (further gory details to be supplied) not only managed to fall off twice but his horse eventually managed to get itself arrested and taken into the custody of Kent Constabulary. His wife, the charming (not to mention delightful and long-suffering) Linda spent the latter part of her day chasing a landrover with her husband in it who was, in turn, chasing his horse all over Hole Park Estate, not an easy thing to do given the land mass involved. Geoff had only been allowed to wear his new breeches on the condition that he kept them clean (and on!). Unfortunately for Geoff he managed not only to fall off but bumped into me later in the day. Enough said. It was also good to see Claire Battle back out again, albeit somewhat the worse for her previous encounter at Hole Park. Instead of sitting astride her trust steed Beau, this time around Claire was being wheeled about in a secondhand (one careful owner, never raced or rallied) wheelchair kindly lent to her by our former Hunt Secretary, Mrs Rosemary Watson. The Old Berks not only brought a number of their lovely field with them but their hounds, Huntsman (Michael Scott) and Whip too who were all treated to a night with Neil Staines at Kennels (second prize was two nights!). Faced with the option of a drive in excess of 3hrs taking in most major motorway networks immediately after their day's hunting, or another night of Neil's own particular brand of hospitality, they didn't hesitate and hit the road! Only joking. Neil and Kerry did a grand job of looking after them and ensured they arrived in fine fettle for breakfast. Neil and Kerry were not the only AVH contingent to extend such kind hospitality, Charlotte Baines was overrun with Old Berks. It was great to see Charlotte's sister, Louise, out with the AVH again. The Old Berks' hounds hunted extremely well on trails laid earlier that day through the Park, taking the field over some newly laid hedges and rails. Hounds were very vocal through the woods heading down towards the Beehives (no one managed to get stung this time around) ensuring that no-one was left out of the action. New country had been very efficiently opened up by Claire Barham and Elizabeth Ross which saw hounds, Huntsmen, Whips and the field heading right handed towards St Michaels before returning to the top of the Estate and thereafter working their way back through towards Dingleden. The day finished up around 5.30pm with a fantastic tea being provided most notably by the joint efforts of our Hon Sec Mrs Back, Gabi Sillers and Sarah Stevens. Our grateful thanks to Mr and Mrs E Barham for allowing us across their land, to Claire Barham and Elizabeth Ross for opening up new country for us, to all those involved in ensuring that the day ran smoothly, and a special thank you to our guests from The Old Berkshire Hunt for coming along to see us and bringing their hounds to hunt our country. We hope they enjoyed themselves as much as we did.

(27/02/2009) - The Woodcock Iden Green


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

The only things I can remember about this were that it was (a) very hot; (b) we hunted trails through to Stream Farm; (c) Elizabeth Ross's dexterity with a chainsaw; (d) Tony Stevens sailing a hedge; and (e) the diatribe of obscenities that fell from Neil's lips aimed in my general direction, most notable of which was Jesus Wept, ****** *****, ****** *****, ****, **** shut *** **** up and if you ever ****** do that again I'll ******* *** you. Actually that's not strictly true, there was a whole load more I can remember but it's all I've got time to write for now.

(25/02/2009) - Rectory Farm Staplehurst


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Did we cover some ground today?! Yes we jolly well did. A huge thank you to Annette and Nigel Bardsley for not only hosting such a generous Meet but for managing to open up such huge swathes of new country for us all to enjoy. Hounds hunted so well on trails laid earlier that day that we managed to cover ground that took us all the way from Annette and Nigel's at Rectory Farm right through to Linton, ultimately ending up at Clockhouse Farm having taken in Boughton Monchelsea en route! I managed to spend a good deal of the latter part of the day on Vanity Lane ... hem hem. The Pascal boys (the ever lovely and charming Robert and Oliver) had sneaked out the night before to build the only jump of the day in the new country, however, now that they've done a reconnaissance mission we may find some more out there next season! Our thanks again to Nigel and Annette and also to Robert and Camilla Pascal for providing a lovely tea for everyone at the end of the day.

(21/02/2009) - Hole Park


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

The Fallers' Club increases in numbers exponentially. Jot Dalfreizi is yet to supply me with details but when she does you can expect to be named and shamed. Poor Jot, though, had her work cut out. Her parents, Salleee and Rikki Deffries purposefully undid her girth and she spent the first half of the day upside down. Like the trouper she is though, she carried on, sailing over hedges and rails and putting it all down to practice for the Pony Club Stunt Team. I said she should phone the NSPCC or the RSPCA at the very least and report Salleee and Rikki, who had doubtless done this on purpose, but she put a brave face on it all and filled in some adoption papers on the spot. James Golob managed to eject himself from the saddle on two separate occasions, the latter of which piling over a hedge with a drop on it and getting himself trampled in the process. He looked like Mrs G had done him over with one of her legendary swift right hooks but he assured me he was okay and that he did have a dog called Rufus?! Oh dear. Matt Selby was out with us leaping everything in sight whilst rolling a fag and conducting various business deals on the telephone mid-flight. As I aimed Tommy Rocket at an entirely unnecessary rail, which he gracefully declined due to a yawning great open gate right next to it, Neil offered up a few words of encouragement, telling me in no uncertain terms that I was not to jump anything I didn't have to whilst on the job and following it up by stating that as he didn't want a headache for the rest of the day I should make myself useful and clear off away from him and around the back of a covert somewhere else where trails had been laid and leave him in peace. Pah! Where would he be without me?! Hem hem. It was great to see so many people out though and our grateful thanks to Mr and Mrs E Barham for hosting such a generous Meet. Not only were we provided with sumptuous food and drink but the setting was equally resplendent. As we followed trails around the estate and over a number of new fences erected by the bloodhounds I caught sight of Penny Harrison sailing, in true hunting style, over rails and into the woods with the rest of the field hot on her coat tails! Towards the latter end of the day and as I was endeavouring to repatriate myself with Neil, Mike and hounds, I headed towards what I thought was a simple rail only to see, at the eleventh hour but nonetheless in time, a yawning great ditch behind it. That said I was alerted to the fact that something was up by the words of genuine encouragement coming from Neil. That Huntsman has a warped sense of humour. All was clearly not well with that fence. Fate shone not so kindly on Alison Wynn who latterly set a course for it like an exocet missile but her faithful steed managed to find himself a fifth leg and combined with Alison's expert riding ability they soared over it to rounds of applause from the rest of us. Sadly poor Claire Battle, with her ever handy mount Beau, both of whom had been enjoying a cracking day, was kicked and sustained a broken leg during proceedings and had to be carted off for something a tad more technical than terrier boy surgery. On arrival at the scene I was asked if I thought Claire's leg was broken. Given that the last time I was asked to comment on a similar scenario I declared it to be nothing more than a bruise and it turned out to be a compound fracture (oops) I declared myself not fit for purpose and Claire was carted off to the William Harvey, no bad thing as it turns out. I am currently devising lewd and inappropriate things to write on her cast upon her return home. I did try to get Simon, her other half, to take some photos of it for the website but oddly enough she became very Neil-esque in her response. No sense of duty! The remainders of what had started as a field of 39 strong finished up at around 5.30pm for tea and cake, very kindly provided by Gabi and James Sillers before we all wended our way home.

(19/02/2009) - Old Surrey & Burstow & West Kent


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

For the record, Mark Bycroft, Huntsman for the Old Surrey and Burstow and West Kent was either bailed out of the Southern Counties Home for Criminally Insane Huntsmen by Jeff Pegrum MFH or someone has had the technology to rebuild Harry Buckland! When Tommy Rocket threw a shoe somewhere around 2pm I said a not so silent prayer thanking God, Allah, Buddha, my mother (if Kent Police ever let her out again), Kate Winslet and anyone else who sprang to mind that I wasn't ultimately going to be faced with the "even bigger hedges" that Mark had been practically foaming at the mouth at the thought of. He is to enthusiasm what Osama Bin Laden is to a stick of dynamite and a box of matches. I just hope he's well insured. We (and I suspect I use that term loosely because it was probably just Neil) were asked to assist the OSB&WK as they were short-handed. I, naturally, went along to ensure that we were more of a hindrance than a help, plus Neil would need someone to swear at on a day like that and I felt it unfair to let all of that burden fall to Mike. As we left the Meet at The Greyhound Pub, Chalcott, Mark aimed himself, cannon like, at the first of what transpired to be a long line of hedges, with Neil hot on his heels. Thirteen and a half couple of OSB&WK hounds and nine and a half couple of AVH hounds flew over and around the hedges on trails laid and in their wake were a pile of bodies littering the Kent countryside. Ian, Amateur Whip, to the OSB&WK, thankfully knew his way around a lot of said hedges and I'm not ashamed to admit I gratefully followed his lead. Not all of them were unavoidable though and I clung, like a Marmoset Monkey, to what's now left of Tommy Rocket's mane in order to stay in the saddle whilst watching Tim and the Legend that is Clydey sail over the lot, providing a lead over many of them. When not watching Clyde in action (wot a horse and I'm not just saying that because he's in my charge, he is a hedge hopping machine) it was an education, nigh on poetry in motion, to watch Neil and Mark working hounds together but that's a bit too sycophantic so I'll move swiftly on. The OSB&WK were a welcoming bunch, as were some of their landowners whom I was lucky enough to chat to, and we enjoyed for the time that we were out some stunning countryside and great lines of fences that the AVH's country unfortunately doesn't always lend itself to. Watching hounds fly with such abandon makes you realise how good Neil is with our hounds, lifting and re-casting them at virtually a moment's notice to ensure they don't stray from laid trails but again I'm at risk of being too sycophantic so I'll stop right now. The last I saw of my day with the OSB&WK was Neil disappearing over a hedge, managing to lose a stirrup iron and leather in the process ... perhaps Mark's not so barking after all, it's probably just a prerequisite of the job.

(18/02/2009) - Joint Meet of the AVH and WST, Hockley Farm, Belmont


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Haleeeeehey-hey-hey-lu-jah! Nevermind the Joint Meet of the West Street and Tickham and Ashford Valley, Oliver Pascal is back in town! Tanned and lovely, with his equally lovely and charming father, also tanned and looking fab but who's still not sure whether or not he owns a dog called Rufus and if he has how many pills the lovely Camilla should be feeding it! Blow the hunting, Ollie is back. I've stock piled enough drugs (all thanks to my dodgy back which now seems to have righted itself, no small thanks to the wonders of morphine and just as well because I'm sure Ollie won't want to marry a cripple) to take down an elephant and I'm not afraid to use them on him if I have to in order to get my way. Let's face it, they've never failed me yet so why should they now?! Anyway, I'd better not divulge too much about my nefarious intentions lest I alert him and scare him off, so back to the hunting. We met at Hockley Farm, Belmont which took some finding, as Mike Sargeant will tell you, and we were greeted with a warm welcome and plenty of lovely food and drink kindly supplied by someone from the WST whose name I'm afraid I do not know and hence cannot credit in person but a huge thank you to whoever it was from everyone who attended. Jot Daffries was there, doing her best to ensure we had some new names to add to our Fallers Club. Alas and despite her best efforts to undo girths, slip reins and surreptitiously push people from their mounts it was all a resounding failure. Pants! She's a plucky girl though, our Jot, and even chanced her arm on the WST's Huntsman, Paul, but he was ready for her and fought back. Should have drugged him Jot, like I said, on many levels it's never failed me yet! Charlotte Baines was in evidence, or Lotty as I affectionately call her (she'll HATE that!) who nearly fell off her horse laughing at the variety of names we've thus far managed to anoint Jot with and devising various suggestions for new ones. Martin Crawford was the Field Master for the day but disappeared mid-morning as his horse had gone lame. If only he could find a decent farrier he'd be alright. Graham kindly took over in the interim until Martin returned an hour or so later with a new mount. It was good to see Henry, Martin's son, out again, only for his second time since a nasty fall curtailed his activities. It was also good to see and meet so many new and friendly faces, not to mention the usual reprobates! A flotilla of quad bikes carried all of the terrier men about and Neil hunted hounds on trails laid earlier that day, ably assisted by Paul, Mike, Kev, Sam and not so ably by myself, throughout with some new drafts from the Burton. Neil was on form as ever and now that I'm finally back in the saddle it was good to see he'd not lost his touch, managing to swear at me several times throughout the course of the day. He'd be lost without me! More heartening yet was the fact that Paul, the WST's Huntsman, was equally generous with his words of encouragement for his Whips! Everyone seemed to have a great time galloping about the Estate although a number of the field, you know who you are girls, were overheard as they appeared via a particularly steep and overgrown descent that had already claimed my hairnet, complaining about "really prickly spiky things?!" I thought (for one glorious moment) they might have got tangled up with Tim Laite's Bedford Cords! Good grief! They'd never survive an afternoon with Mike Sargeant who relishes the opportunity to launch himself into a pile of brambles higher than he is with no foreseeable way out! All in all everyone seemed to have had a lovely time and lots of tea, cake and sandwiches awaited our return and very welcome they were too. Our thanks again to the WST and all those who opened the country, allowed us to go, laid trails for us, provided such generous hospitality and generally ensured the whole day could take place ... roll on the return match!

(08/02/2009) - CASINO EVENING


     "Black Tie" Casino Evening on Saturday 7th March at Benenden Village Hall
Author - Steve Carter

We're holding a 'Black Tie' Casino Evening on Saturday 7th March at Benenden Village Hall. This is a fun evening, and your £15 entry includes a buffet supper AND A CUP OF CASINO CHIPS. The aim is to increase you chip holdings playing blackjack, roulette, poker and a few other games of skill and chance. At the end of the evening prizes will be awarded for those lucky enough to have accrued the most chips. Proceeds to the AVH and Kent Air Ambulance. Entry by ticket only from Michael and Rosemary Sargent: 01580 291 289. Cocktail Bar. Adults only. (Complies with the Gambling Act 2005)

(21/01/2009) - Ladysden Goudhurst


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Hounds met at Ladysden Farm, Curtisden Green by kind permission of Mrs J Adams. Geoff, her son, who hunts with us, was noticeable by his absence, off-piste at Mere Belle but telephoned during après-ski to inform us that everything had been organised and left in the capable charge of his sister, Claire and his brother, Rob. Claire was later to be found zooming about the countryside on the back of a Gaiter, being driven by Mick (ex-Huntsman to the ES&RM) and Vanessa, swigging whiskey from the bottle, listing to starboard and singing sea shanties! Just as well Geoff was away otherwise there'd have been two of them! Also in the back of the Gaiter and in a similar state of disrepair was Jo Hewitt and Rocky the Poodle. From where I was sat it looked like Rocky was in charge of the whole charabanc and just as well as I understand that he had to drive them all home mid-afternoon. The Meet itself was superb as always and having had plenty of lovely food and drink hounds set off on trails laid across Ladysden to the bottom of Wormshill and on across Alan Wickham's land. Neil had a number of the newly drafted hounds out who are finding their feet and who screamed about on the trails laid behind Blantyre House, where I narrowly avoided being reacquainted with some old friends and colleagues and where I also managed to finally gain admittance to the fallers club. Having very nearly stacked Tommy Rocket over a drop fence, which had two seasons previously admitted me to the fallers club, I popped a style and was about to hop a small stream, hanging off Tommy sideways to avoid the overhanging shrubbery, when the stream turned out to be 4ft deep and similarly wide. As I slipped gracefully from the saddle (ha ha ... I looked more like an upturned beetle on it's back, struggling to right itself) I managed to land (no small amount of technique involved in this one) slap bang on my bum and in the middle of the water. It took several valiant attempts by Tommy before he was able to right me and pull me out of the quagmire but once back on dry land I swiftly looked about to ensure that no-one had witnessed my descent. Phew, I thought, I've gotten away with that one. Just then the field hoved into view and I simultaneously realised that not only was I black and soaked from head to toe, but I was now emanating a smell not dissimilar to one which hounds might follow. Estee Lauder won't be bothering me for that intoxicating formula anytime soon! Anyway, it turned out that I was in good company as within a matter of minutes later Robert Pascal's horse managed to put its foot down a rabbit hole and Robert fell off, landing with a crunch on his head. As the fall occurred Robert's phone could be heard ringing. Once back in the saddle Robert checked his phone and returned the call. It was Camilla, his wife, wondering how many pills she should give their dog, Rufus. Robert responded that they did not have a dog and that he didn't know anyone by the name of Rufus. In true AVH style he carried on for the rest of the day, unable to recall his name, where he lived and what he was doing on a horse and out with us. All of which are quite understandably questions to which there are no answers! After Blantyre House we skipped through Bowling Alley and Pailey. As we entered Foxridge Wood and just prior to us moving on to Bowling Alley Rick Thompson, ex-amateur Whip, rounded the corner at Mach8 having dashed home from the Meet to kit himself out with a point-to-pointer and his hunting attire to join us and lend an invaluable hand whipping in. We finished up at Mr and Mrs Wickham's yard for tea and cake as darkness descended. Hounds had hunted trails well all day and as we waited for boxes and lorries to be retrieved Robert Pascal was witnessed disappearing in the general direction of Dover, speaking Swahili and shouting at his mobile phone that he still didn't possess a dog. A subsequent call to the Pascal household confirmed that Robert was now, indeed, as mad as a box of frogs (as if he wasn't before) and therefore none the worse for his tumble.

(17/01/2009) - Boldshaves


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

A fantastic meet, Mr and Mrs Peregrine Massey were as generous as ever and did us proud with loads of lovely food and drink. Some newcomers were out, Lord Lovelace graced us with his presence on a pointer and I was finally back in the saddle on Tommy Rocket but still suffering with sciatica (don't worry, it's not catching). Rick plied me with enough whiskey mac, purely for medicinal purposes you understand, to sink Oliver Reed but it seemed to do the trick and until I was the victim of a horse jacking by Neil later in the day I was having a great time. Neil had brought the newly drafted hounds, acquired on Tuesday from Mark Bycroft of the OSB&WK Hunt out and trails had been laid through the coverts down from the house and around the other side. The hounds worked well, a testament to Neil's ability. Some crashing falls occurred during the latter part of the day, most notable of which was Jot Deffreys who, in her own words, "bounced off her head and then got back on again". It was a crashing fall too and on landing Jot couldn't remember her name. We all thought she'd got concussion but it turns out she's just been reading too many of my articles and is now so confused as to her identity she doesn't know who she is anymore. Anyway, it must be the curse of the Fallers Club because that's the first time in living memory that Jot has ever parted company with her horse! The Deffreys family continue to produce some very competent riders and young Chelsea, who was also out, is no exception. Unfortunately she too managed a technical dismount, but then she will go leaping hedges that are bigger than her and Misty put together! All in all it was quite an eventful day for the Deffreys family; Sally and Ricky very kindly looking after Mac, the Hunt horse, who'd regrettably gone lame whilst I was dispatched to retrieve my truck and trailer and take him home as he was starting to seize up. He wasn't the only one! Mac going lame wasn't enough to stop Neil hunting hounds though and he immediately horse-jacked Tommy and me on Ingleden Park Lane. I was forced out of the saddle and Neil's feet didn't even touch the ground as he leapt from Mac onto Tommy and disappeared off into the distance to my cries of "please look after him" with Sally Deffreys admonishing him for being too lazy to even get down from his horse and mug me properly! Needless to say all of this was treated with the contempt it deserved by Neil who cast not one glance over his shoulder. I immediately put a call in to our Victim Support Unit, Ricky Deffreys, having been traumatised by the whole thing. Ricky was at pains to point out that although he was no longer talking to me as I never spell their surname correctly he would, in this instance, make an exception, and told me to shut up, clear off and fetch the trailer. In the meantime Tommy Rocket, knowing the job inside out, rose to the challenge and carried Neil off to the next line of trails at Rob Hooker's with the field following hard on his heels. Hounds screamed round until Neil moved them off to Pond Wood and from there back up to Boldshaves. I'd managed to get Mac back home and into the safe custody of Janice Ellis and return to where we'd unboxed in good time and was relieved to see Tommy and Neil rounding the corner with hounds. Neil assured me that he'd looked after Tommy well and hadn't beaten him too much, at which point I nearly fainted and had a quick count up of legs just to make doubly sure Tommy was, indeed, in one bit! I understand from overhearing a conversation between James Sillers and Rick Thompson that Gabi was not well and I assumed, rightly or wrongly, that meant there was no tea afterwards. As Josh Staines will tell you: No Gabi, No tea. I consequently bundled Tommy and Kenny back into the trailer and took off for home, neglecting to bundle the Joint Master up at the same time, having to return to blow for him later. This being his first season as a Joint Master and having been drafted in from another pack, being somewhat wayward, he'd picked up the scent of the nearest public house and had hunted heel line back to the Bonny Cravat at Woodchurch. Luckily I've tattooed his telephone number in his ear and I was quickly reunited with him and he was quickly reunited with his kennel! A good day seemed to have been had by one and all, our thanks again to Mr and Mrs Peregrine Massey for hosting a wonderful Meet and to Kate Douglas and Peter Deacon for opening up the country for us.

(13/01/2009) - Joint Meet of the AVH and OSB&WK Hunts


     Tudeley - Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Hounds met at The Poacher's Pocket, Tudeley where we purchased what I now believe to be the most expensive port known to mankind to ply our guests or hosts with, depending on whichever way you look at it; there was some confusion as to which hunt had invited which but whatever, no-one seemed to mind. The OSB&WK had turned out in number and were a very amiable bunch and it was good to see that large numbers of AVH subscribers and supporters had made the journey too. All in all a field of about 45 adorned the car park (this was evident by the fact that Sandra Gronow, Secretary of the OSB&WK, spent nigh on what seemed like an hour afterwards very kindly removing the evidence!). A photographer from Horse and Hound was there to record events for posterity. The port was swiftly consumed and was followed by speeches from Marion Pemble, Joint Master of the OSB&WK and Tim Laite, Joint Master of the AVH. Tim was at pains to point out, during his speech, that going conditions were slippery and everyone should therefore take great care. Later in the day it became apparent that Mark Bycroft, Huntsman of the OSB&WK, had clearly not been listening and, taking no heed of Tim's warning, managed to fall off twice in the exact same spot, zooming round the corner at Mach8 in one direction, horse and rider coming crashing to the ground, only to repeat the exercise but arriving at it from a different angle a bit later. Once was bad enough but repeating the same mistake twice has to be the definition of stupidity! Seems that every time we have a joint meet the Huntsman from the other pack manages to dislodge themselves from the saddle. The curse of the AVH Joint Meet ... be warned Paul Saunders of the Tickham, although we've already done for you once this season! Marion Pemble ably took the field for the first part of the day whilst Neil hunted a mixed pack made up of OSB&WK and AVH hounds throughout on trails laid earlier, with Tim Laite taking the field for the second part of the day. It might be me but there always appears to be some confusion about hunt country boundaries. Some say they're defined by the river and others by the railway. In any event, this bit of country is nerve wracking in the extreme for the huntsmen and whips alike, being bounded by rivers and railway on one side and some major road networks everywhere else. Thankfully and in no small part due to the combined competence with hounds of Neil, Mark and their respecive whips, all were kept well away from such hazards. Fish Hall was where trails had first been laid and was great viewing country for all those following on foot, of which I was one, my back having put paid to my riding for a bit. Mattie, my little dog, and I started the day off with Christina Back and Gabi Sillers and we had a brilliant time watching hounds work and huntsmen, whips and the field galloping about in hot pursuit. Mattie could hardly contain her excitement and was convinced she was a miniature foxhound who ought to be running with the rest of the pack. Later I teamed up with James Sillers, which I knew I'd regret. James manages to traverse the countryside faster than Ben Johnson did the 100 metres on amphetamines and the only one of us who seemed to be able to keep pace with him was my little four legged friend, Mattie. Turns out that James is also the only one she now takes any notice of, taking herself off on her own private hunt through the woods and picking up trails laid for hounds, she was entirely deaf to my imploring cries to return. One whistle from James, however, had her materialising out of nowhere! She had definitely decided that he was the Alpha Male and I was most definitely off her radar. James, Mattie and I stomped through what appeared to be a bottomless pit of woodland and on reaching the other side bumped into David and Penny Harrison who were, as always, right on top of the action. As Neil moved hounds on to the next set of trails and as James and I had managed to put some considerable distance between ourselves and our vehicles Penny and David very kindly stuffed us all into the back of their landrover and locked us in. Mattie was thrilled at being able to sit on James but James was clearly somewhat perturbed at being locked into such a confined space with me and started to break out in a sweat. As David flung the vehicle round the lanes in order to get us back as quickly as possible, James did his level best to ensure I didn't take advantage of the opportunity to fling myself onto him, using a shovel he found in the back to fend me off and muttering empathetically about what Mike Sargent obviously had to put up with every time I was whipping in. Making it back to our respective vehicles Mattie was inconsolable and spent the next 20 minutes howling because she'd been separated from James. As we sped through the lanes to the last set of trails the rain, which had been threatening us all day, finally descended and the downpour lasted just long enough to ensure that everyone was soaked to the skin! A very damp set of hounds, Huntsmen, Whips and the remnants of the field returned for tea, yet again generously provided by James and Gabi Sillers. In spite of the final dowsing of rain everyone had enjoyed their day. Our thanks to the Poacher's Pocket for allowing us to meet there and to Chris Willett, Tim Laite and Marion Pemble for opening such a large tranche of country up for us. As dark descended we all set off for our respective homes, Neil returning with a number of hounds very kindly donated by Mark to boost AVH numbers.

(07/01/2009) - The Pepper Box Ulcombe


     Cancelled
Author - Sam

B***er. This is a really good Meet for food, the proprietors always putting on a great spread of canapés and refreshments. What am I supposed to do for breakfast now it's been cancelled? It will, doubtless, have not come as much of a surprise to anyone that we didn't go due to the amount of frost, snow and the fact that the temperatures were/are well and truly into the minuses. Still, cold comfort (pardon the pun) visa vis my breakfast. Clyde and Tommy get the day off but I'm now faced with the prospect of getting on and doing all those jobs I swear blind I've never got any time to do because of hunting. Suddenly rearranging the sock drawer looks relatively appealing. I might nip up to the Pepper Box at any rate and see if they'd not received word that we weren't coming until it was too late, you never know, they might have been left with 48 wan-tons, 36 mini pizzas, 57 spring rolls, 23 chicken satay sticks and 8 litres of gin needing a good home ... it's amazing how I keep my figure. I hope Mike, our First Whip, isn't reading this lest he laugh himself off a horse at this juncture! Perhaps I could publish some dietary tips for everyone, do a column in the Sunday supplements, start a band called The Pussycat Trolls, the opportunities are endless. What I did think I might turn my attentions to, when I had a moment, was an article on the Fallers Club and what constitutes a fall whilst out hunting. I have already enlisted the help of my able, not to mention attractive, assistant, Jot Deffreys pronounced Dot Jeffreys for this one and if anyone's got anything they might like to contribute to this they can either email me at sam@axisjobs.com or let Dot have their thoughts in person. Having given out my email address this is not an invitation to treat and anyone wishing to vent their spleen (Ricky Jaeffries) should save it for the hunting field when I at least have an opportunity of hiding behind a hedge, falling in a ditch or making a relatively clean getaway. I thought we could read it out at The Fallers' Club Dinner, the date of which is yet to be arranged, as one or two repeat offenders (Tim Laite) argue ostensibly and at length as to what does or does not constitute a fall. The rules can finally be laid down for the record. Saturday's Meet will be at The Bull, Bethersden and I'm reliably informed by Malcolm, the landlord, that he's managed to inveigle several crates of cherry brandy and whiskey mac out of the brewery, so that's breakfast on Saturday catered for! Hopefully this cold snap that we're experiencing will have removed itself back off to the Siberian Front, where it belongs, by then and I look forward to seeing everyone out on Saturday.

(03/01/2009) - Willow Farm kindly hosted by Mr and Mrs T Chapple


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

A very cold start awaited all those who turned out for our first Meet of 2009, held at Old Fowle Hall Oast, Willow Lane and generously hosted, once again, by Terry and Caroline Chapple. More popular than ever, a huge number of mounted (a conservative estimate was 45) and foot followers had braved the cold weather and fantastic food, drink and camaraderie was their reward. It was great to see so many people out and to see some long standing visitors and friends from the neighbouring hunt, The Old Surrey and Burstow and West Kent in attendance. As might be expected, the whole thing was not without event. Everyone must have had a blinding New Year because there were nine fallers for this one and there's not even any jumping! Well, not much. Nine fallers! What was everyone up to? Did you all fall or were any of you pushed? Dot Jalfreizi pronounced Jeffreys had previously threatened, in an attempt to liven the Fallers Club up a bit, to start pushing people off at opportune moments. Had she finally carried through on her threats? Had she enlisted members of her family to wait behind hedges to jump out on the unsuspecting? I strongly suspect that her father wants to jump out from behind a hedge at me but that's for entirely different reasons and which is why I now studiously avoid Ricky at every available opportunity lest he beats me up. I quizzed Dot about this afterwards but she swore that no foul play was involved. This leads me to the only other available conclusion which is that Ken wasn't joking when he later confessed to putting at least 5 bottles of cognac into the hot toddy. Anyway, the list of those first entrants into the Fallers Club for 2009 can be found, you guessed it, in the Fallers Club, the clue being in the title! Determined not to be late for Terry's Meet I somehow managed to wake up before the alarm clock went off. Hitherto unheard of. Some of the less kind amongst you suggested I'd wet the bed and Steve at the yard thought he was being burgled I'd pitched up so early. All highly amusing. As it was Tommy Rocket's day off I didn't have to wash, scrub and blow dry any horses. Kenny and Clyde possess a much higher level of personal hygiene than Tommy Rocket is prepared to adopt and this speeded things up considerably. Being one of the first to arrive at the Meet I thought I'd get a clean run at the food, having spied lots of lovely sandwiches and canapes, that was until Caroline, Terry's better half, announced that she was under strict instruction not to dish out any food until Neil and hounds arrived. Quite correct as far as etiquette is concerned but my tummy was rumbling. I contemplated ringing Neil to see what time he might be expected to arrive. Imagining how that conversation might go: ring ring ring ring "Hello". "Oh hi Neil, it's Sam, just wondering what time you're arriving 'cause they're not serving the food until you get here". The dialling tone. I thought better of phoning Neil and opted for a whiskey mac and the use of Terry's bathroom instead. Whilst marvelling on how clean and tidy their house is in comparison to ours, which looks a bit like Basra, and wondering why Terry wasn't dressed as Elvis today, I discovered that I had somehow managed to lock myself in their loo. Trying in vain to free myself and realising that I was too fat to wriggle out of their window, plus they might think they were being burgled and call the police, I phoned Tim our Joint Master, for assistance. No one was picking up and so in desperation I called Mike our First Whip. I knew what his reaction would be. When he'd finished laughing himself off his horse, which goes ha ha ha ha bonk, he said he'd summon help but at that moment the lock gave and I was free at last, some 20 minutes post my arrival. I had left Kenny, my steed, in Steve's (Terry's son) capable hands and on my return found Steve pouring whiskey mac and port into Kenny. Kenny appeared to be enjoying this immensely and was now baring his teeth and rolling his eyes. Great, the horse is drunk. Only one thing for it, join in. By the time the speeches were done and Neil blew hounds away Kenny was unable to walk in a straight line and I was unable to steer him in one either, Neil has a lot to contend with to be fair with us. We set off towards Benover and Chainhurst where trails had been laid. Hounds flew round ably directed by Neil with the field following. The port and whiskey mac that Steve had been priming Kenny with had obviously worked its magic and he sailed over the jumps on what was, by all accounts, a non-jumping day! Clinging to Kenny like a Marmoset monkey (a style officially unapproved by the BHS but nonetheless effective) I made it over them too. Unfortunately mid-way through the day proceedings were momentarily interrupted when Cat Robinson sustained a kick to the leg that ultimately saw her carted off to hospital. Karen Hamer's horse, Murphy, who had behaved so impeccably for Mr Deacon some weeks previously, was the culprit. Must be the rider! Get some lessons Hamer, I've always maintained you were a bit shifty!! Luckily, though, Dot Jefreeze and I were on hand. Dot is actually qualified to do Emergency Terrier Boy Surgery and I've nearly finished my training so we patched Cat up with 20 fags and a litre of port. Just as Dot and I were discussing the finer points of a full frontal lobotomy and examining my pen knife to see if it was sharp enough Ron and Kev, the real McCoy of Terrier Boys, pitched up on the quad and effectively saved Cat from a fate worse than Terrier Boy Surgery! Steve Carter, agile as a gazelle, slung a leg over Cat's horse and trotted him home. Both Cat and Karen send a big thank you to everyone who helped out, although for some inexplicable reason they subsequently took out a restraining order against Dot and myself! Hounds were undeterred by this momentary glitch and Neil followed them over a style as they screamed off on the last trails of the day, said style putting paid to Joint Master Tim Laite, to to whom Clydey was returned by visiting Joint Master of the Old Surrey and Burstow and West Kent Hunt, Jeff Pegrum. We finished up at the Hopper Huts at Chainhurst. Gabi and James Sillers kindly provided some much needed tea and cake and Josh, Neil's Grandson, at 8yrs of age took charge of horses once James had had enough of being trampled on by Clydey and Kenny as we waited for boxes and lorries to be retrieved. Thanks to all those who went and retrieved the boxes, to those who set the day up and opened the country for us, to those who nursed and cared for the injured and to Terry and Caroline Chapple for hosting the Meet. A great start to 2009 and a Happy New Year to everyone!

(31/12/2008) - The Mundy Bois


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

New Year's Eve. Anyone else think we weren't going? Me too. So convinced was I that we weren't going that I'd not bothered setting the alarm clock or washing any clothes/horses. It came a surprise, therefore, to be awoken from blissful slumber and a particularly gratifying dream about Johnny Depp at 8.30am by Joint Master John Palmer who informed us that we were, in fact, going, albeit a bit later. With my mind still firmly on Johnny Depp I nearly made it into the fallers club whilst attempting to clamber aboard Tommy Rocket, in full view of Dot Wilkinson pronounced Jeffreys en route to the Meet. Thanks very much to all at The Mundy Bois for providing a very generous spread of food and thanks also to my friend, Bennett Ledner, for taking care of Tommy Rocket whilst I ferried food and drink about. It was great to see such a large turnout of people out on New Year's Eve, prepared to risk life and limb before seeing the New Year in. God only knows what your New Year resolutions might be but it's probably safe to assume that none of you were that worried about making it to 2009. It was also great to see a couple of first timer's out with us, looking jolly smart in their pony club ties having momentarily defected from the East Kent (you know who you are girls!) and who've avowed to come out again and also to our Tickham contingent. We set off at midday up the hill towards the back of Egerton where the first set of trails had been laid. Neil and hounds took everyone over the rails and the field enjoyed a gallop towards Little Chart. Hounds were checked at the main road before continuing onwards to Rooting Street, at which point they gave us all a run for our money back towards Little Surrenden. On the last run of the day Tommy Rocket came up hard on the heels of Mike and Neil. For those who don't know it, Tommy Rocket has had a hobday and a tie back operation and as a result he can, on occasion, sound a bit like a heavy breather. Neil and Mike thought their luck had changed, ordinarily having to dial 0898 for that kind of service, and were vociferous in their disappointment on discovering it was just Tommy Rocket et moi. We hacked back in the near dark to the boxes to enjoy tea and cake, again kindly provided by James and Gabi Sillers. I hate to think what their expenditure on cake must be to keep the AVH going throughout the season. Everyone wished one another a Happy New Year and disappeared off into the night ... Mrs Back no doubt off to Lashings, James and Gabi to bake more cake, Tommy and I to pre-record some stuff for the 0898 numbers, Mike to sew up the hole in his breeches in order that he might keep me at bay in 2009, Dot Robinson pronounced Jeffreys to update the Fallers Club, the Terrier Boys to brush up on their chat up lines and Neil to write the next chapters for his forthcoming books "Cruel and Unusual Punishments for Errant and Wayward Whips" and "Surviving Sam". I'd like to wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2009, happy hunting and to thank everyone who is involved with and who devotes so much time and energy to keeping the AVH going so that we might all continue to enjoy it.

(26/12/2008) - Boxing Day Meet at The Vine Tenterden


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

On time!! Tommy Rocket woke up with a hangover (thanks to the Guinness he had with his tea on Christmas night) and then suffered the indignity of being scrubbed to within an inch of his life, which he was not very appreciative of and, given that the temperature was well into the minuses, I can't say I blamed him. Kenny had suffered the same fate the previous day, not much of a Christmas present but at least they both had the luxury of warm water. Had it been left to another, who shall remain nameless, it would have been the hosepipe and be done with it. Toes polished, Tommy towel dried and both of them plaited we set off for the Meet, well, we set off for Tescos actually which was where we were going to unload. Managing to resist the temptation to dash in and buy another tin of Quality Street, I off loaded the horses and then hot footed it round to Ingleden Park with the trailer. On my return to the Meet, with about 2 minutes to spare, I was informed that I'd missed the photo shoot. Photo shoot? What photo shoot? Had I known there was going to be a photo opportunity I'd have brushed my hair, disentangled my eyelash extensions from the bits of fluff and cobwebs they'd managed to collect overnight and plastered on the lippy. Pah! Oh well. For everyone who was present, however, the Kent Messenger, which I think comes out on a Thursday, is the one to watch out for as they should have some pictures of the Meet. Almost over my disappointment at missing the photo opportunity I sprang, agile as a gazelle, into the saddle. Tommy Rocket groaned and dipped his back. I don't know why he has to be so obvious. I reminded him that I did only weigh about 4 stone and that there was another Guinness in it for him if he could refrain from groaning so loudly. He perked up considerably at the thought of more Guinness and obliged by keeping it buttoned for the rest of the Meet. As everyone there will recall, it was jolly cold and I suspect this was why the Meet, which usually manages to eek itself out until 11.45am was curtailed. John Palmer made his speech, Neil blew and away hounds went at half past. We headed off towards Appledore where trails had been laid across Frances Beach's father's land. According to Frances her father had issued strict instructions to gallop across it and the field obliged. Tommy Rocket got very excited at being back on his old stomping ground and we finally got a photo opportunity as Frances papped us jumping a rail into the woods. From there we headed off to Raa's and then to Boldshaves where hounds flew round trails and the rest of us struggled with the biting cold and wind. Having sat out on the road for a bit, or until I thought I'd got frostbite, I followed on through where the field had gone. Jumping out of the woods Tommy and I galloped across some very wet ground until we could see a jump into the woods that led on to a cross country course. As we approached the jump the take off looked very stodgy and so I slowed Tommy in order to get a better look. Whilst inspecting the fence, take off, landing and next fence I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. I swung around in my saddle to find a huddle of AVH supporters sheltering in a hedge to my right. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or them, but in any event I noticed Ricky Jeffrys amongst them. After his threats to beat me up (he'd better form an orderly queue for that one) if I spelt his surname wrong again, I spurred Tommy on at the fence and disappeared off and around the cross country course before he could catch hold of me! Tommy flew round the jumps, which in no small part was thanks to the vast amounts of brussel sprouts I'd consumed on Christmas Day (at one point things were so bad I was frightened to light a fag in case I blew myself sky high!) until we popped out the other side. Encountering on our way a rusty old gate I was later informed by James Sillers that they had previously replaced said gate with a lovely portable hunt jump. It then transpired that in the intervening period, Neil had been back, removed the lovely hunt jump, and put the rusty old gate back in its original spot on the basis that said rusty old gate is much more in keeping with the type of fence you might be likely to come across in AVH country! He's not wrong! Neil and hounds reappeared and we all headed off to Knock Wood and then on to Ingleden Park. As Mike and I positioned ourselves Mike remarked on how cold he was. It must therefore have either been minus 20 or Mike had forgotten his thermals. Before I could offer to do something unspeakable to him to warm him up, Mike was saved by the sound of hounds baying and we dashed back through the woods to catch up with Neil. I hate the woodland. To my mind you might just as well sit about on the road and beat yourself senseless with your hunting whip as dash around in the undergrowth getting beaten about the head and torn to shreds. Anyway, it was no good complaining about it, but when I realised that Mike had taken an entirely different route to that of my own I was left with visions of Tommy and I wandering about in there for days, unable to find our way out, and some months later some rambler stumbling upon our skeletons - perhaps I've just got an over-active imagination, or maybe that's why Neil and Mike took me in there in the first place!! Uh oh. Anyway, jumping out of the woods onto the back of Ingleden Park Neil blew for home and the last few die hards bid him thank you and good night. From a field of mounted followers that had started out that morning of around 70 strong, we were now down to about half a dozen. Everyone seemed to have enjoyed themselves and much needed cups of hot tea and slices of Christmas cake were there to greet us on our return, very kindly provided by Gabi and James Sillers. A number of people managed to decant themselves from their horses during the course of the day and thanks to Dot Jeffreez for getting everyone's name, rank, file and serial number in order that I can add them to our fallers list, amongst them Joint Master Tim Laite who not only managed to fall off but subsequently get a smack in the mouth for his efforts too. Another one that we're all queuing for! Perhaps he'd like a black eye for the New Year ...

(23/12/2008) - The Who'd A Thought It


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Late again! It could have had something to do with the eyelash extensions I'd had done in readiness for Christmas and which had adhered to my pillow. It took several people to disentangle me and then a qualified opthalmist to prize open my left eye, this could explain it. My pillow looked like the back end of a porcupine and my eyes like they belonged to a transvestite who'd been partying all night. I was so late that the postman arrived. I greeted him in full hunting attire while my eyelashes flirted inappropriately with him. I tried to get my left eye to not glue itself back together again by inserting my finger in it. Seemed like a good idea at the time. The postman winked back at me. Having snatched the mail from the postman and managed to convince him that I wasn't dressed in this extraordinary way for any other reason than that I really was going hunting, I realised that Headcorn Scouts had very kindly left a food parcel for me on the doorstep with a Christmas card. I know I look a bit of a mess when I go off to the yard in the morning but when the Scouts start leaving food parcels for you ... anyway, I made it to the yard to find that the Joint Master had locked himself into one of the stables, this was evident by the sounds emanating from said stable; like a wasp a jam jar he could be heard screaming and banging, kicking and throwing himself against the door like a deranged chimpanzee having a tantrum! I prioritised things and went to the hay barn to fill nets for the horses, leaving the Joint Master to negotiate his own way out of the stable. Only having the one horse to get ready speeded things up and we actually made it to the Meet in good time. As always, Jo Mallett the Landlord of the Who'd A Thought It, provided everyone with some lovely food and drink and as I was on foot I was seconded into giving Claire a leg up, she should have known better than to ask me and, having literally thrown her into the saddle she disappeared off down the car park at Mach8 and I went swiftly off to issue stern warnings to the three musketeers (you know who you are) to ensure that the Joint Master looked after his mount for the day. Before I could finish being stern and in fairly short order Neil blew and away hounds went. Following on foot I could see that they had indeed taken on board what I'd said and were not encouraging any excessive hedge jumping or zooming around the countryside like Lewis Hamilton on horseback. Sadly the Joint Master had obviously chosen to ignore my warnings. As hounds followed trails just behind Matt Selby's yard, through the medium of telecommunications I was able to assist our First Whip whilst seconding Matt's hipflask and reprimanding the Joint Master simultaneously, that's multi-tasking for you. Trails having been laid and country opened from The Who'd A Thought It through to The Pepperbox hounds decided to take an entirely different line and some 24hrs later, on Christmas Eve, Wills, our Kennelman, was driving through the countryside to collect up a couple of our more wayward members of the pack. Their work is never done. In spite of all of this everyone enjoyed themselves and just before 4pm Neil blew for home. Tea was kindly supplied by Gabbi Sillers and shortly after I received news from Dot Geoffries (whose surname is, I have now been reliably informed, spelt Jefferys and that if I continue to spell it incorrectly her dad's going to come round and beat me up. That's nothing. I'll beat him right back with my eyelashes if he's not careful!) updating me on fallers for the day. Thanks to all those involved in setting the day up, hosting it and thereafter picking up hounds. Boxing Day's next so I'm off to polish Tommy's toes and see if I can't do something about my eyelashes to avoid a re-enactment of this morning and before I get myself tangled up in anything more sinister than my pillow! I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas and look forward to seeing everyone out on Boxing Day.

(20/12/2008) - Goddington Park


     Children's Meet
Author - Sam

Even the sight of Rick dressed as Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, and a flash of Mike Sargeant's leg (exposed only by the absence of his thermals) wasn't enough to make me feel any better due to my previous evening's over indulgence. I had to co-op Rob Harrison into giving me a leg up into the saddle, which incidentally he did one handed (but then I do only weigh about 4 stone). Mike tried to get me to eat some of the lovely food on offer as he said it would make me feel better, but the thought alone had me turning green (I was in a bad way), so when he put the jollop on the rag in readiness to lay trails I very nearly passed out. I did my best to hide my shabby state from our Huntsman but the smell of alcohol fumes emanating from me, even though I told him it was Clydey, was more pungent than the jollop on Mike's rag and so when he eventually enquired as to my welfare in his usual caring manner (noted only by the absence of a physical beating) he declared it all to be self-inflicted. "How many times do I have to tell you Sam?" he said, "no over indulgence of ANY kind the night before hunting!". He then glowered at me and told me he'd ensure I'd sweated it all out by the end of the day. Oh joy. I personally didn't think I'd make it past the Meet without being declared clinically dead (would anyone notice?) but was in no fit state to even reply. Mike laughed so hard at this point he very nearly jolloped himself instead of the rag and so, our happy band of Hunt Staff were once again ready for a day's trail hunting. The setting of Goddington Park with it's beautiful manor house for the Children's Meet was truly spectacular and our thanks to Nick and Jacqui Sandford who so generously hosted it, providing everyone with enough food and drink to see them through the day. Ponies and their riders were beautifully turned out, many festively too with tinsel adorning the manes and tails of riders and ponies alike. Unfortunately Santa was a no-show, which caused enormous disappointment, mostly to Neil, Mike and myself. I'm guessing that perhaps Santa too had over indulged the previous night and was possibly in no fit state to navigate his sleigh through Kent. Neil was so furious that Santa hadn't shown up he actually managed to fall off his horse later in the day in a fit of apoplectic rage. Actually what happened was exactly what had happened to the ill-fated Huntsman of the West Street and Tickham a week or so previously in the Cherry Garden at Nan and Brian Frasers, he jumped the fence but managed not to clear the ditch the other side. I suspect that this just made him even more livid. Neil wasn't the only one to hit the deck though, poor Sossage Stevens and Tia Baker, together with a little girl on a bay pony (I'm waiting for Dot Jeffries to let me have the gory details) managed to come cascading off, a few of them before we'd even left the Meet! I suspect that they'd all fallen victim to a sugar rush after all that chocolate. The Meet was a resounding success and following a few minutes silence for several long-standing supporters of the Ashford Valley who had recently and very sadly departed this mortal coil, Esme Dyson and Jesse Millen, Neil blew and away hounds went, following trails all around the parkland before heading off to Goldwell, former home of the Ashford Valley Hunt Kennels in the days of Phil and Harry Buckland, on down and through to Chilmington Green and thereafter over to Brian and Nan Frasers. At one point it looked like hounds were headed for the McArthur Glenn Outlet in Ashford, whilst the thought that I might get some much needed Christmas shopping done brought a smile to my face, the thought of Champion, Gunner, Dusky and the rest of that band of reprobates lovingly known as the AVH hounds careening through Ralph Lauren, Revlon and Tommy Gofigure, not to mention what Neil might say if I let them get that far, swiftly wiped the smile from my face and had me concentrating fully on hounds and my hangover once more. Clydey, my feckless and faithless steed, ensured that what Neil hadn't sweated out of me he terrorised out of me, managing to land squarely on a gas main at one point during the day. Luckily I wasn't having a crafty fag at the time, otherwise Clydey and I would have probably wiped Ashford off the face of the map (would anyone have noticed that either or maybe posthumously thanked me?!) and geographically rearranged Kent! Fortunately there weren't any smokers amongst the field following closely on my heels, most of them being under the age of 10yrs. Obviously, those over the age of 10yrs and not following closely on my heels, were smoking and drinking like Keith Moon and Oliver Reed on a night out in Soho having spent the previous month in rehab. Having thundered around Brian and Nan Frasers, over all the new jumps they built for us, we ended up in their yard at 3.15pm when Neil blew for home. The beautifully turned out ponies that had started the day were now covered, from their ears to their tails, in mud. Chelsea Jeffries' pony, Misty, was unrecognisable, having jumped her way through the cross country course, out the other side and taken in a few hedges en route! Between Kate Douglas and Nan Fraser a most fantastic tea had been laid on and, boxes retrieved, horses rugged and riders fed and watered we all wended our way home.

(15/12/2008) - STOLEN GUN DOGS


     STOLEN GUN DOGS
Author - Sam

Five gun dogs belonging to Chris Burns of Breezeleaf Gundogs, who is the head beater for a shoot near Chiddingstone, together with his four wheel drive vehicle, a LWB green landrover with silver canopy divided into three segments, registration mark DOG 9K were stolen from Leigh, a village just outside Tonbridge, Kent at 4.58pm on Friday, 5th December. Descriptions of the dogs are as follows: Dog 1 is a black cocker spaniel bitch, 6 months old with a white front. Dog 2 is a black cocker spaniel bitch, 9 months old. Dog 3 is a liver and white springer spaniel bitch who is 8 months old. Dog 4 is a black and white springer spaniel dog who is 8 months old and answers to the name of Herby. Dog 5 is a black and white springer spaniel dog who is 2.5 years old and answers to the name of Twig. If you are approached or offered a dog that matches the description of any of the above, or are suspicious of anyone who might offer you a dog or who has recently come into possession of a number of dogs please contact 01732 379217 and quote reference 17295 or call Crimestoppers on 0800 555111. You can do so anonymously if you wish to. This type of crime is incredibly distressing for the person involved so if you have any information please don't hesitate, phone it in.

(13/12/2008) - CHRISTMAS PARTY


     Bethersden Village Hall
Author - Sam

Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming, to town! Well, actually, he's coming to Bethersden Village Hall on Saturday, 13th December 2008 and I for one intend to be there in order that I can sit on his knee and make a list of my demands, with menaces, for Christmas. Further, I am not going to shift until I've got a written guarantee from him that this year I will get Johnny Depp in my stockings and a small island of my own in the Bahamas. Personally I don't think this is too much to ask for and if Santa won't give me what I want then I, together with a small team of tough elves who've done time, will get him outside in the car park later and do his sleigh over! The Ashford Valley Hunt Christmas Party is looming large and if you don't want to miss out on the fun you need to ensure you get to Bethersden Village Hall promptly for 7.30pm on Saturday, 13th December. Not only will Santa be there to grant you your Christmas wishes, but there will be music, lights, refreshments provided by the Galloping Gourmets, pole dancing and entertainment for adults and children alike, Elvis the Amazing Screeching Barn Owl will be there, available for pictures and autographs with the children, as will his big brother Lt Ripley the Turkmanian Eagle Owl who'll be signing copies of his latest book 101 Things to do with Chicks, there will be a raffle, a prize draw for anyone who's correctly guessed all twelve locations featured in the AVH 2009 Calendar along with the ever popular Headcorn Over 80's Nudist Leapfrog Team performing their world famous synchronised rendition of Swan Lake to The Posthorn Gallop through the medium of the Foxtrot, audience participation will be encouraged and if that little lot isn't enough to entice you to join in the festivities there will also be some racing to be enjoyed, but of a very different kind. I've been sworn to secrecy until the night (although, as ever, I am open to bribery and corruption) but suffice to say it's gonna be good and any competitor who doesn't finish will be fed to Elvis and Ripley by way of a punishment!! So come along and support the AVH at the Christmas Party on Saturday, 13th December. All proceeds from the Christmas Party will go direct to the Hunt. For more information or details please contact Dawn Ades on 01580 765149.

(13/12/2008) - MOUSE RACING


     AVH Christmas Party
Author - Sam

I can, at long last, reveal the most closely guarded secret of the AVH Christmas Party's entertainment (and it's not me taking Santa out to the car park to do him over if he doesn't hand me Johnny Depp, naked and bound with red ribbon because I'm probably going to have to do that anyway! The smart money's on me, I'm going to pull his beard and then catch him with one of my infamous rabbit punches!). The highlight of the evening, the extravaganza to end all extravaganzas, the long-awaited and much anticipated event is MOUSE RACING. Is it legal? No! Is it ethical? No! Do we have a licence to do this? Of course not! Why else would we do it?! I mean, come on people, where would the fun be in an entirely legal evening's entertaining from the Headcorn Over 80's Nudist Leapfrog Team? I ask you. Mouse racing is what people want and mouse racing is what they're gonna get! I currently have a highly trained team of mice, racing fit, being fed on Bailey's No.1 Racing Mix for Mice, raring to go. They've been doing the hill work, practising over the fences at Charing Race Course, fast work up the gallops, Monty Roberts has been whispering in their tiny ears, some of the better ones are standing off the fences like Desert Orchid on acid!! These mice are hot to trot! Watch out Mr McCoy! Steve Spice has been begging me for a chance to jockey one of these mice, but I'm not sure that's legal either and I don't think he'll make the weight anyway! Tiny saddles are being fitted, racing colours selected, the adrenaline's running high. The Tote's pitch is booked and Barry Dennis is on his way. Their training regime has been strict and these mice are finely tuned, honed and ready to run. Tipped to carry the full trip and make all four furlongs Rodent's Rest is wearing blinkers for the first time and tipped at 2 to 1 in the Maiden Race, at 20-1 Ratcatcher is having his second outing having failed to finish last time out in the Bumpers, in at 100-1 are all Three of the Blind Mice, running as a pack, who failed to turn at the first corner at Chepstow (not a good bet), at 3-1 is Hot Cheese never not placed and who likes the going good to firm, she won the Novice Hurdles at Cheddar Gorge, at 11-2 is Scudamore's Scamper, this will be his third outing over the sticks and he's performed well so far this season taking second place in the Novice Handicap Mousetrap Stakes, the other one to watch is Hickory Dickory Dock owned and trained by Mr C Lock who I'm reliably informed by my insider, Sylvester the Cat, is the fastest of a bad bunch and is well worth a punt. May the best mouse win! Come along to the AVH Christmas Party and enjoy, amongst all the other entertainment, the mouse racing. These races are Sellers and Claimers and at the end of the evening the mice will be available for autographs, interviews, photos and re-homing, together with all the necessary equipment to enable you to keep a winning racing mouse in the manner to which it is accustomed. My grateful thanks to Helen Williams for racing terminology supplied and then incorrectly used and abused by me!

(13/12/2008) - CHRISTMAS PARTY


     Report from Bethersden Village Hall
Author - Sam

Oh The Shame! The Christmas Party was fab but I'll get to that later. I need to tell you about this first. As I was in the process of leaving I was accosted by Ron Spicer, our Head Terrier Man, who was reminiscing with our Joint Master, Tim, about how geographically challenged I am by nature and my general inability to find my way out of the front door, not to mention the overall amusement that the terrier boys have at my expense whilst out hunting when I, occasionally, and I cannot over emphasize the word occasionally struggle with my bearings. Ha bloody ha. Our Joint Master's riposte, gallant as ever, was that I'd had to follow him in convoy to find my way to Bethersden Village Hall and I'd have to do the same upon leaving and that further, on a scale of one to 10, one being disastrous and 10 being short listed as a Pulitzer Prize Winner for Worthy Research Contributions Made to the London A-Z, I came in somewhere around minus 2. How I laughed. Anyway, I took it all on the chin and duly followed in a little convoy of two, out of the car park and headed back in the general direction from which I'd arrived. I was happily bumping along with a car full of birds of prey and with Elvis the Barn Owl, who'd managed to escape, sitting cheerfully on my head (his favoured spot) paying little attention to where I was going and simply following the car in front of me's rear lights. Imagine my surprise, not to mention his, when the car I was following pulled into a driveway somewhere near High Halden and the charming gentleman at the wheel stepped out and asked if he could help me, and did I know I had a barn owl on my head?! Aaarrrghhh!!! Anyway, I've made it back and am now updating the website in order that Rob Harrison has something to occupy his Monday morning other than the AVH accounts! The Christmas Party was a great success. Huge thank you's to everyone, to Dawn Ades who, in spite of suffering from what I suspect was double pneumonia, managed to organise too many things to list here, to Christina Back who was also suffering with what could have been conjunctivitis but looked infectious (Heaven only knows what she might have picked up in Lashings!) so I admired the problem from a distance, and she soldiered on managing to create some culinary delights for us all to enjoy. To Sue and John Palmer, to Rick Thompson, Steve Carter, Ron and Julie Spicer, Rob Harrison, Gabi and James Sillers and to Toby from Sevenoaks Pets and Aquatics who kindly supplied the mice, and to anyone and everyone else that helped, made donations or lent equipment. Thank you. I managed to elbow Santa out of the way on arrival having had the wheels off his sleigh in the car park, in order to secure the best spot for my highly trained team of racing mice and birds of prey, the two are clearly not mutually exclusive, although between Rick and myself we did have a couple of hairy moments (pardon the pun) with escapee mice who, lemming like, threw themselves into the path of Lt Ripley the Eagle Owl! Having set everything up I was then press ganged by Steve Carter into actually compeering the whole mouse racing thing. Never one to pass up the opportunity of publicly embarrassing myself I readily agreed and before I knew it the mice were being ushered into their little starting gates, owners and trainers were nervously loitering on the sidelines and the tote was inundated with punters waving money and tickets alternately. Winning mice were segregated, Rick and I realised that several runners in an entirely all female team had somehow managed to get themselves pregnant (the miracle of Christmas, how apt) and so were withdrawn and before we knew where we were the final race was underway! Under starter's orders runners and riders lined up, the air was electric as the tension mounted and they were off! Heading for the first of two jumps in the Ashford Valley Mouse Steeplechase. Whiskers Way, on the inside led to begin with toward the first fence followed closely by Twitchy and Hot Cheese with Dangermouse coming up fast on the outside, all three cleared the first fence with The Three Blind Mice following close behind. Doormouse finding her stride cleared the first fence but pecked on landing as The Three Blind Mice had gone under the first fence and begun making a nest on the landing side, she recovered quickly but found Nose to Tail hot on her paws, who'd managed to jump clear of the melee and, together with Gruyer's Girl, swiftly followed the leaders through the first bend and into the second fence, the open ditch. They scampered strongly forward with the leaders clearing the open ditch in style. The Three Blind Mice, however, decided they'd had enough at this point and did an about turn heading back to the starting gates. Gruyer's Girl and Doormouse, however, sailed safely over it following the leaders up the hill and onto the final stretch known as Sillers Straights. Twitchy, Hot Cheese and Dangermouse led the field with Whisker's Way just a nose behind, still scampering on and several lengths ahead of Gruyer's Girl and Doormouse. Nose to Tail had recovered but was now some way behind the leaders and the first mouse through the winning post in this nail-biting finale was Hot Cheese, owned and trained by Pip and James Wayne, who'd had 3 previous winners that evening! Well done Pip, clearly a girl who knows a good mouse when she sees one! Mind you, she's probably got more time on her hands to train them now since James has taken up Western riding, doubtless crucifying himself regularly on that saddle!! I also managed to chat to a number of the field, of whom I report but don't always get to speak to in person. Sue Smith was one such person whom, you may recall, I described as having "balls of steel". I have to tell you, I wasn't wrong. This is a woman who has broken some fairly integral bits of her body as a result of her days spent with the AVH, but who is counting down the hours until she can get back out with the AVH Thrusters and do it all again! She is remarkably cheerful in the face of adversity and clearly ought to be carted off, along with a number of the rest of us, to the nearest home for the criminally insane! Terry and Caroline Chappell were in evidence and those who didn't stick around until the bitter end missed Terry re-enacting Elvis does Vegas. I love Terry but am beginning to worry, not an awful lot but just a bit, about anyone who carries a DIY Elvis kit replete with pink jacket about in the back of their car just in case. On balance perhaps we should all carry one. It might be useful when opting for a defence of insanity! Louise Bruce was on hand with some brilliant photographs of all of us getting soaked, decked, covered in mud and abused by turn. Going forward, Louise is going to put some examples of her work up on the website for us to see, so now there are even more reasons to log on to the AVH site on a regular basis to see if you can spot yourself in action or, alternately, casualty! Geoff and Linda Adams, together with Jo Hewitt, Vanessa Frampton and Steve Carter provided entertaining company throughout the evening. I understand from Linda that Geoff had already broken his Christmas present, a new horse, at Clockhouse today. Neil had scrubbed up suitably well for the occasion, looking pretty in pink. I remarked upon this and was offered a swift kick up the backside, amongst other things, for my efforts. Luckily Kerry was present to prevent him carrying through on any of his threats and I managed to momentarily distract him by depositing a 7lb Eagle Owl on his whip arm! Mouse racing done, everyone fed and watered and the Christmas cake auctioned off (to Terry Chappell who subsequently kindly donated it back to us) everyone started to head off home. I did my best to entice Steve Carter back for an evening of illicit drinking but he immediately jumped into his vehicle and spun out of the car park faster than Mike Sargeant through the undergrowth! Oh well, only 2 months, 4 days, 7 hours and 32 minutes until Ollie Pascal returns ...

(10/12/2008) - Shadoxhurst by kind permission of Brian and Nan Fraser


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

An extremely cold and frosty morning awaited those with enough thermals to venture out for the Joint Meet of The Ashford Valley and West Street and Tickham at Shadoxhurst, kindly hosted by Brian and Nan Fraser. I had, somehow, managed to arrive half an hour early, although Mrs Back trumped me by arriving a whole hour early. I think she must have wet the bed. On arrival I informed Neil that I'd be following on foot. His face fell. I thought he'd be elated. His response was "the only b**** day I don't have to b***** well put up with you and can take it easy, and you come on b****** well come on foot!". Still, he's not one for showing his emotions! The Meet went on for slightly longer than it might ordinarily have done due to the frost which gave us all more than ample opportunity to enjoy Nan and Brian's superb hospitality. Nan must have spent the best part of the previous night and the entirety of the morning in the kitchen as she'd prepared plenty of delicious food for us all. The cold weather clearly hadn't put many people off as more and more seemed to arrive by the bus load. Old friends were reacquainted and there were some new faces too. It was good to see Martin Crawford, Master of The West Street and Tickham, back in the saddle after a particularly nasty accident earlier this season and also to meet the WS&T's new huntsman, Paul Saunders, who whipped in to the East Sussex and Romney Marsh in a former life. When jointly the decision was made that the frost had lifted enough for everyone to set off I busied myself assisting the mounted field and on that note Di Broad is the most athletic woman I know. Having attempted to give Di a leg up into the saddle, and much to the utter hilarity of the terrier men, who somehow manage to always be present whenever any incident occurs, she managed to throw her other leg over my head, perform a perfect demi-vault mid-air and land square back on the ground at her horse's side. Remarkably I was still standing too! Di and I stared at each other confused as to what had just happened and were it not for the sight of Wills, Jo, Boyd, Terry, Ollie, Wally and his sister called Molly falling about, I'm not sure we'd be any the wiser. Di was very cool about the whole thing, this woman obviously performs mid-air demi-vaults on a regular basis! Second time around we perfected our routine but we are now available for party bookings. Unfortunately Paul, the WS&T's huntsman managed to make it into our Fallers Club, having parted company with his mount over a ditch, I believe, but it could have been on the flat, alternatively Neil might have pushed him! Not to be outdone our Joint Master, Tim Laite, threw himself spectacularly from his faithful steed Clydey, going full tilt over a hedge and sustaining a blow to his head. Although afterwards he didn't know which day of the week it was, luckily no-one could tell the difference and he carried on. Our official hunt photographer, Louise Bruce, was on hand to capture the whole thing on camera and hopefully we'll be able to publish the evidence before too long. Incidentally Louise managed to get a number of great shots of everyone gunning over hedges, rails and ditches and anyone interested in purchasing a photo of themselves in action can catch up with Louise at the Hunt's Christmas Party on Saturday, 13th December. Paul did a grand job of hunting hounds on trails laid earlier in the day, ably assisted by Neil whom I heard offering various words of encouragement, together with all the various whips and terrier men. From a foot follower's perspective it was a most enjoyable and entertaining day. I had great company throughout in the form of Steve, Gabbi Sillers, Mrs B, Louise and Joint Master John Palmer, whose car I threw myself infront of in order to obtain a lift and thereafter whose whiskey mac I commandeered and refused to give back! Next time he finds me in the middle of the road he'll probably run me over! Horses and hounds were finally collected up well after dark, having made it as far as Woodchurch and everyone headed back to enjoy more of Nan and Brian's fine hospitality. Our thanks to the West Street and Tickham, to Nan and Brian Fraser and everyone who assisted and made the day possible.

(06/12/2008) - Peacock Farm Laddingford


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Sophie and Richard Maylam hosted a lovely Meet with some food that was to die for. As my hands were so full of reins, whip, sandwiches and whiskey mac my reliable co-conspirator, Terry Chappell, kindly stuffed sausages into my mouth, much to the amusement of James Sillers and Neil, our Huntsman. I, however, was not complaining! As anyone who knows me will understand, my world moves around food and as far as I am concerned, Terry Chappell could find himself with a full time job on his hands if he's not careful, I could get him feeding me grapes next whilst dressed in a toga ... oops, I'm fantasising! Thanks too to the lovely chap who kept filling my glass with whiskey mac (can I have your phone number please?!) it was a miracle I stayed on as we rode away from the Meet! Mind you, I'm constantly amazed that I'm still in the saddle at the best of times so perhaps I shouldn't blame anything on the drink! Unfortunately I had to retire early from the fray as poor old Tommy Rocket, my trusty steed, was not 100% due to an abscess he'd recently had removed from his foot. Of course, he might have just fancied spending the rest of the day with his friends, putting his hooves up, taking it easy and watching re-runs of Champion the Wonder Horse (his fave) on the telly. It was a shame because he looked so smart, having enjoyed a leisurely hot bath and hoof polishing session prior to departure, but that's the way these things go. Anyway, I am reliably informed that the day was not without event. Chris Willett, of all people, managed to part company with his steed twice! Re-enacting our Joint Master's technical dismount from the previous Wednesday's Meet by managing to fall off before he'd even got on and as far as the second fall goes, well, history doesn't relate so it must have been embarrassing! All I can say is: Elliott, call me and give me all the gory details, please! Also poor old Kevin, one of our esteemed Terrier Boys, managed to sustain an injury that even Terrier Boy Surgery couldn't put right and had to be carted off by Sillers-Medivac. Reports from the field were that although the day had started off slowly things had definitely warmed up toward the latter part with some very fast lines being followed across some beautiful country, taking everyone along the river as far as Collier Street. All present seemed to have thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Our thanks again to Sophie and Richard Maylam for hosting the Meet and to Sophie and Chris Willett for, once more, opening the country up to the Valley and its followers to enjoy.

(04/12/2008) - Little Foxes Little Foxes


     A poem taken from Mr Punch with Horse and Hound c.1900
Author - Unknown

LITTLE FOXES LITTLE FOXES I dreamed and lo! In this my dream, The cranks had had their way, Foxhunting was forbid by law, forever and a day, No more across the English grass, might English sportsmen ride, No more the scarlet coats be seen at winter covert-side, But what of "Mister Reynolds" who the law was passed to save, From the death that so befits him as a brigand wild and brave? Alas! I saw quite quickly what now became his fate, With none to stand between him and the chicken farmer's hate, The shot at dusk, the shot at dawn, the snatched uncertain aim, The wounds that only slowly kill, the wounds that only maim, The bitter gripe of poison and the burning rending pain, The broken teeth and bleeding jaws that bite the trap in vain, The roly cubs in summer dawns that scrapped and played amain, Are dying now by inches, for their dam comes not again, She is lying at a dyke back with a gin upon her pad, A broken bleeding sacrifice to sentiment gone mad, I woke, and knew it but a dream, for yet "Mister Reynolds" ran, As he did before the wolf pack 'ere there was a man, I woke but breathed a little prayer for fear of what impends, God pity little foxes and save them from their friends. Taken from Mr Punch with Horse and Hound c.1900

(03/12/2008) - The Flying Horse Smarden


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

You know it's cold when Mike, our First Whip, actually puts his gloves on and Neil, our Huntsman, wears more than one glove at a time. These boys are tough! I personally was wearing not only my gloves but a whole host of other thermal undergarments, over garments and in-between garments that ensured I spent the whole day in my own private sauna! Luckily I managed not only to be on time for this Meet but even early and was parked up and struggling into my third set of layers as Neil arrived. I even managed to get away without the usual threats of violence and abuse normally so readily on offer, although on balance it might simply have been the sight of me struggling to get into a third pair of breeches that made Neil momentarily forget to wallop me! As luck would have it, however, he'd recovered from the sight well enough by the end of the day to give me what for, for not paying attention! The meet was very generously hosted by the Landlord of The Flying Horse at Smarden and it proved to be more popular than ever with a whole raft of followers, mounted and on foot, turning up. It was great to see everyone. Given the amount of rain followed by the hard frosts we'd had the night before it was wonderful that we were still able to go and our thanks to Sarah Stevens for setting up the day and to all of the landowners who agreed to let us come onto their various properties. From the Meet we headed off to Haffenden Quarter where the first set of trails had been laid and I waited out on the road to stop hounds whilst Neil and Mike, followed by the field, disappeared briefly from view. That was all too much for Clyde, my faithless steed, who promptly dashed off up the road without giving any notice of intent to me in order to try to join the others, almost taking out an Honourable Secretary in the process (I don't know whether or not you can take out insurance against Clyde related incidents with the Countryside Alliance, but it might be worth looking into as we'll be back together again as a team, by unpopular demand, in short order!). Clyde breathed a sigh of relief as the field hoved back into view and we then set off across country in the general direction of Bethersden before working our way back towards our starting point. Hounds flew about on the trails laid earlier in the day and as it had stayed pretty cold the scenting conditions were better than average. We enjoyed tea and biscuits, kindly provided by Sarah Stevens, at the end of the day and everyone seemed to head home having enjoyed themselves. There were a couple of fallers to add to the club though, one of whom actually managed to fall from his horse before he'd actually got astride it, no names mentioned, but a few words of advice that I'll doubtless never follow myself, always remember to check your girth Tim. Failing that, do what I do, ensure you've coerced some poor unsuspecting soul into endeavouring to defy the laws of gravity and give you a leg up, who will then be there to cushion your descent should gravity take a hold (even though, as everyone knows, I only weigh slightly more than your average garden sparrow). This ensures that not only are you less likely to hurt yourself, but you can blame it all on someone else and write the whole thing off as a technical error!

(01/12/2008) - CALENDAR


     AVH Calendar now available
Author - Sam

Racey photos of Neil ... Rick in compromising positions ... Mike in the undergrowth ... Tiny Tim and his ejector seat! Any of this whetting your appetite? Me neither, but if men dressed up in funny outfits with hounds in the Garden of England is your bag, get it now! Seriously though and hot off the press the long awaited AVH 2009 calendar is now out. Stunning scenery, beautiful photographs of the AVH team in full swing, along with mounted and foot followers alike are available to buy for the bargain price of £10 with all proceeds going direct to the Ashford Valley. Also, anyone who has purchased the calendar and can name all twelve locations (Hunt Staff, Terrier-Men and Masters excluded I'm afraid) will be eligible for a draw to win themselves a bottle of bubbly at the AVH Christmas Party on Saturday, 13th December 2008. Calendars will be available to purchase on the day, also at every Meet from either Gabbi Sillers or Sue Palmer. Get them now people. My mum's got one and upon opening it she took to her bed and hasn't been seen since! They must be hot!

(29/11/2008) - The Smarden Bell Smarden - kindly hosted by Chris and Karen


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

The only Meet of the Season to date that was virtually on my doorstep and I managed, God only knows how, to be late for it. As I passed The Smarden Bell, with Tommy and Clyde clinging to each other for dear life behind me in the trailer, it appeared that every resident of Smarden had turned out to see us off. Not only that, we had Claire Battle out looking far too glamourous riding side saddle and fully togged up with habit, hat and net, not to mention that her make-up didn't shift all day. I did, towards the latter part of the day, offer to roll her around in the dirt for a bit but, disappointingly, she declined. Also out was John Wayne, aka James, riding in a western saddle and bridle. I don't remember him jumping anything during the course of the day but given the size of the pommel on that saddle who can blame him?! Anyway, I digress, and rounding the corner to the parking, I ran slap bang into Neil and hounds coming from the other direction towards the Meet. The look on Neil's face was enough to tell me that I should seriously consider investing in a full face crash hat. The look on the faces of, and the various cat-calls from, the Terrier Boys behind reinforced that thought and I momentarily considered whether or not I could squeeze a body protector on under my hunt coat! I parked up and sprinted about getting ready until, like condemned men, Tommy and I trotted off to the Meet. I considered my options, being a variety of greetings for Neil, ranging from "Good morning Sir, I'm sorry I'm late" to "I'll kill myself now", the latter seemed more likely to meet with his approval and so immediately upon arrival I accosted Abigail to hold on to Tommy and I dashed into the pub to put a dozen cherry brandies on Tim's tab and offer them up to Neil as a substitute for a human sacrifice, being me! Whilst ordering up drinks for everyone Jo sidled up and enquired as to whether or not I'd yet encountered his father, Neil. I said that I hadn't which was met with a lot of laughter and sucking of air between his teeth. I ordered more cherry brandy by way of an appropriate response, it was my only chance of survival. I teetered out to the car park and managed to dodge Neil's whip whilst handing out the drinks. John Palmer, our Joint Master, very kindly delayed his speech by the requisite 20 minutes required by me to adjust my Neil-proof Kevlar sponsored AVH safety kit and clamber aboard Tommy. Speeches done, Neil blew and away we went headed for Love Lane. I'm not sure that Neil was feeling the love as he sent me off to Bedlam Lane! Anyway, assured that hounds would be following trails laid and that Neil would be drawing them in that direction, I waited. I waited a bit more. I harassed some foot followers. I waited a bit more. I won a game of Snake on my mobile phone. I waited a bit more. Just as I was entirely convinced that I'd been sent to Coventry and that, in actual fact, everyone had disappeared off to Woodchurch without me, a number of the field appeared and then I caught sight of Neil. Neil cast hounds again who quickly picked up the trail and took us swiftly across George and Jenny Gore's and then onto John and Sue Palmer's. Hounds were flying and a gallant number of the field followed, miraculously without casualties, over a number of hedges and fences which John Palmer and James Sillers between them had entirely rebuilt after our last visit (beyond the call of duty boys but we're all very grateful), until hounds checked on Bedlam Lane and then headed off back towards Headcorn, somewhat too speedily for my liking, to finish the line. Hounds were collected up to draw a new line from George and Jenny Gore's taking us through the woods known as South Park. I should have seen it coming! Mike, our First Whip, positioned me at the very bottom of the woods and as the sound of Neil and hounds became ever more distant I picked my way through the undergrowth, only to find that hounds had picked up a new line which took us all through some tricky country to the back of Grigg Farm. From there we headed across country to Kingsden Farm. As the light dimmed Neil blew for home and we finished up at John and Sue's, who had very kindly organised a lovely tea for us all. Whilst we enjoyed the food and drink on offer I was regaled with tales from Kip, who'd whipped-in to Neil in a previous life, at the Axe Vale. Kip told me of having to keep his horse in Neil's garage and collect it on a Sunday after a day's hunting. I pointed out that Neil was far more likely to stuff me in his garage and not let me out until the following Wednesday. Kip assured me that Neil's bark was far worse than his bite, but I'm hedging my bets for now! Given that the going was so very wet (hock deep in a number of places) we were extremely lucky to be out at all and are, as ever, very grateful to be allowed across, so thank you to all the ever tolerant landowners who were kind enough to make the day possible. It was also great to see a number of new faces out with us who we hope to see out more regularly.

(26/11/2008) - Bonny Cravat Woodchurch


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

I don't know who was more surprised, us at having no sandwiches or the new landlords at the arrival of a load of mounted bodies and 16.5 couple of hounds demanding to be fed! It must be a bit of a shock! Anyway, all was not lost and they managed to drag the chef out to the kitchen, kicking and screaming, and chain him to the fridge until he'd produced the requisite number of sandwiches et al to ensure that we all ate up and cleared off out of their car park asap! Whilst we waited for the sandwiches to arrive the Huntsman greeted me with his usual cheery threats of violence and abuse should I misbehave. I'm not one to give up in the face of adversity and so I hid behind the dustbins until it was all clear and he'd been appeased with some cherry liqueur! We soon set off to where trails had been laid around the lakes and whilst we waited for hounds to pick up on the scent I noticed that the Joint Master was on the ground. It transpired that his new horse had provided him with what might be described as an adverse reaction when he cracked his whip; promptly depositing him on the floor and almost taking out a member of the field in the process. My mirth was short lived as hounds picked up the scent and screamed off in pursuit. As they were being called up, ready to move on to the second line I followed Mike, our first whip, back through the undergrowth, sustaining a severe beating about the head in the process (not from Mike, I hasten to add, but from the overhanging branches! That said, I'm quite sure that Mike's been tempted on numerous occasions to give me a severe beating about the head!). Having had my hat, hairnet and a fair clump of my crowning glory wrenched from my head, Mike could hardly contain himself and told me all he could hear from behind was "ouch", "ouch", "ouch!" Nonetheless he gallantly dismounted to retrieve the various articles of my attire that were now strewn about the woods. When I realised and subsequently announced to him that I was now bleeding profusely from the left ear, he laughed so hard that he nearly fell over! Dignity dented but still intact I resolved to steer clear of Mike and his undergrowth proclivities for the time being and positioned myself out on the road whilst hounds dashed about and I did my best, aided by Penny and David Harrison, to ensure that they steered clear of what was a very busy road. Although it was quite difficult to hear either Neil blowing or hounds because of the traffic, the unmistakeable thunder of the approaching field greeted what was left of my ears. The field collectively looked like they'd been dashing about in a quagmire but, to be fair, they probably had. Anyway, after a while I decided that Neil and hounds must have moved on and so I tip-toed back through the woods, only to run straight into Mike. My immediate thought was to get the hell out of there and disappear straight back off in the direction I had just come from to avoid another bashing to the bonce. As luck would have it, Mike decided that was just what I should do (he probably couldn't stand any more hilarity for one day!) and so I returned to my post, no questions asked! I had been told historically of AVH days, long since gone, spent rattling around in forests and woodland but after spending the entirety of the latter part of the day in the undergrowth I realised that I'd been sold a pup on that one and, as the last few hounds came on, I was more than a little relieved when the melodic tones of Neil blowing for home greeted my battered ears in the semi-darkness. Nevertheless, a good day was had by all and we managed some ginger cake and tea aided and abetted by the light of Jo's wind up torch! We know how to live it up in the Valley!!

(22/11/2008) - Chainhurst


     Kindly hosted by Mrs C Back
Author - Sam

The meet, kindly hosted by Christina Back (who, on the day after her birthday, was surprisingly bright eyed and bushy tailed! Not bad for someone who, I am unreliably informed, had spent the entire night partying on down in Lashings, a salubrious venue in Maidstone, up to her armpits in male totty and drinking neat vodka no doubt. Next time I hope she remembers to invite me!) was a great success and everyone enjoyed fantastic food and drink before setting off for what can only be described as a 'blinding day' by all accounts, although looking at the list of fallers one can only wonder what every one got up to! Thoughts that can be taken away from the day are as follows: Rob Coles doesn't bounce, even when thrown over a hedge and into a ditch, so don't try this at home Margaret! Rupert the Galloping Arborist needs an eye test after attempting to conduct tree surgery on horse back. Elliot needs to remember to bring the right horse for the right job, even on a non-jumping day you can guarantee some fool will find you a hedge to jump over and Sue Smith must have balls of steel, after crashing to the ground three times at Little Southernden she came back for another round at Chainhurst and didn't disappoint, well done Sue, hope to see you at Woodchurch on Wednesday, a non-jumping day by all accounts but if you believe that you'll believe anything! Thank you again to Christina for hosting the meet, any chance we can persuade you to do the same again next year? Failing that, what about Wednesday? Also I'd like to say thank you to Abigail Jeffries who having survived 'terrier boy surgery' to a broken digit some weeks ago (another one that should not be tried at home) doesn't miss a trick and compiles our fallers club list so comprehensively for me. Please ensure you report immediately to Abigail should you part company with your trusty steed. On that note and as the Fallers Club appears to be increasing in number exponentially, anyone who is interested in attending the Fallers Club Dinner at the end of the season should give Abigail their details. I'd like to put my name down now as it's just a matter of time before I hit the deck and as it'll be a great night I suggest that anyone who'd like to attend but who hasn't fallen off should throw themselves off their horse at the first available opportunity! By my reckoning that'll be Wednesday at 11am at the Bonny Cravat. Please note, however, that the car park is tarmac and therefore, to avoid injury, ensure you are wearing appropriate AVH approved standard issue safety equipment which consists of the following: hard hat, snorkel and flippers for those who like to submerge themselves (Mike, Rick, Tim, Neil), night vision goggles, bungee cord, global positioning satellite, advanced event horse, spare tire, Kevlar body armour, insulation tape in case of emergency terrier boy surgery, tow rope, pocket swiss army farrier, ICE number and 20p for a phone call.

(16/11/2008) - Pluckley Meet 15 Nov 08


     SINGALONG for our 15-11-08 Meet
Author - NOT Sam

The Galloping Gentleman; To the tune of The Teddy Bear's Picnic. If you go out to the Meet today, You're sure of a big surprise, If you go out to the Meet today, A gentleman's in new guise, For everyone whoever there was, Is gathered there for certain because, Today's the day this gentleman's riding a horse. Chorus: Mounted time for a this young man, He's been following on his feet for far too long, Unaffected by the ban, Can you guess who's featured in this song?, And when he's sure he's had enough, We'll take him through the rough and over a fence or two, 'cause every foot follower that ever there was, Should try it for once if only because, He's a brave man to be on a horse today. If you go out to the Meet today, You'd better not go alone, It's lovely out in Pluckley today, But not safe for ladies alone, For Jorrocks he'll shame and Buckland too, Don't let a respectable coat fool you, Today's the day this gentleman's riding a horse! Chorus repeated

(15/11/2008) - Masked Ball


     Annual Hunt Ball
Author - Sam

This year's Hunt Ball is a masked ball ... so an opportunity for you to get away with all sorts of things in the guise of anonymity!! It's being held at The Ramada Hotel, Hollingbourne, Maidstone on Saturday, 15th November 7.30pm for 8pm with carriages at 2am. On arrival our Hunt Staff will be greeting you in full hunting regalia and thereafter an excellent 3 course meal awaits, along with a raffle, a lottery and dancing to brilliant live local band Catch 22. There will also be a prize for the best mask and a photographer on hand throughout the evening to catch those 'special moments', or alternately those moments you might rather not be reminded of or would prefer your mother not to witness! Year on year our hunt ball gets better and better and this one promises to be no exception to that rule. There are still some tickets available so if you don't want to miss out on all the fun or miss the opportunity to see me dancing like Muffin the Mule on acid you need to telephone our ticket hotline hotties: either Sue Palmer on 01233 756266 or Vanessa Frampton on 01580 715681. So come on people, dust down those DJ's and party frocks and come along and join us for what promises to be a great night out!

(15/11/2008) - Pluckley


     Kindly hosted by Mr and Mrs J La Trobe
Author - Sam

A day to remember for all. Mr and Mrs La Trobe generously hosted a fantastic meet as those who attend this one will know that they always do. As we endeavoured to remain abstemious in light of the Hunt Ball that evening a quiet hush fell upon all those gathered when they realised that we had a long standing and much loved follower mounted for the first time. Who was this dashing gentleman on the grey in the red coat? It was none other than the one and only Peter Deacon. Peter has been an avid follower and supporter of the AVH all his life and is regularly out building and rebuilding jumps for us amongst a variety of other unsung activities. For reasons that can most likely only be explained by either a full frontal lobotomy or head trauma, Peter had decided that he would now like to ride to hounds. He took some riding lessons with me, and, after I'd taught him all I knew, we adjourned to the pub for lunch in the afternoon! Equipped with a rudimentary grasp of equine control (the front is the end with the head on it and the back is to be avoided) he sallied forth at Mr and Mrs La Trobe's on Murphy the grey, beautifully turned out and followed all day at close quarters by his somewhat nervous owner Karen, ready to catch either Peter or Murphy at a moment's notice. Thankfully she didn't have to catch either of them. Before departing from the Meet an impromptu photo shoot took place with Peter posing with Neil, whips, the Masters and hounds variously. Neil, our ever patient huntsman, was overheard saying 'you can ride with me now but I don't want to see you again for the rest of the day!?' I'm not sure if he was talking to Peter or, more likely, to the whips and the Masters! On the 19th November having managed to count a variety of hounds that weren't there, he threatened the first and second whips with a bolt gun, so my money's on us rather than Peter! To the female contingent of the AVH who know him, the thought of the ever charming Peter Deacon being mobilised on horse back strikes nothing but terror into our hearts! I apologise for teaching him to ride, but you're all on your own now! I suggest everyone should ensure they keep well up with hounds in future and practise their gate opening skills until they've honed it down to under 5 seconds or a whopping leap! When he's next out, and he will be, I promise to try to keep him on a short leash and ensure he doesn't come out on anything that will jump! That said, who can resist his charms? I, for one, obviously cannot. Peter gallantly stayed out until mid-afternoon, galloping about with the best of them and looked somewhat crest-fallen when we dragged him away in order that I could have the requisite 8 hours to put my face on prior to the Hunt Ball, even though it was a masked affair, some things just don't happen naturally!

(15/11/2008) - Masked Ball Report


     Hunt Ball 15 Nov 08
Author - Sam

The masked ball lived up to all my expectations. Luckily I can't remember what any of them were, what I did, what I said, who I danced with and anyone I might have offended! I'd like to apologise now to everyone I spoke to, danced with, slept with or made inappropriate advances to! Dear Camilla and Robert, luckily your son is now safe in South Africa (which strikes me as an awfully long way to go to avoid me but perhaps needs must) and there's no immediate danger of me being your future daughter-in-law so you can breathe easy for the time being, although I understand that there are a number of compromising photos currently in circulation! Terry Chappell, I don't know what it was that I said to you that caused that bloke in front of us to faint but I apologise. Jeff Vickers, thanks for dancing with me all night, you were a super star and stepped in where most men feared to tread, my feet were so swollen the next day that I couldn't walk and I think you've now got my tongue piercing so could I have it back please? Malcolm from the Bull at Bethersden, it wasn't technically assault so sue me and Chris from the Bell at Smarden, I'm not sure it's legal but I can't remember if I complied or not. Are we still welcome on the 29th?! Thanks to Tim for his expert rendition on the hunting horn of 'gone away', I'm still deaf in my left ear. Thankfully, having had the hunting horn removed from his person into the safe custody of James and Gabbi, others amongst us made far more melodic music on it, Neil, Wills and Mick and someone's 4 year old daughter who'd wandered in from a wedding party next door. Suffice to say, the evening was a great success and local band, Catch 22, provided enormous entertainment throughout. The next day saw a number of us enjoying a somewhat late breakfast, having woken up still in our party regalia and looking like Rolf Harris had done our make up! A huge thank you to all those involved in the organisation of the ball, too many to list here, but it was a fantastic evening and we're all looking forward to next year's extravaganza!

(09/11/2008) - Clear round cross country day


     POSTPONED due to continued wet weather
Author - Sam

Kate Gale is very kindly opening up her cross country course for a clear round cross country day on Sunday 9th November at Stocks Farm, Wittersham from 10am to 3pm. It's a great course with something for everyone, from novice to advanced. Anyone wishing to come along is welcome. Entries are £5 per round and can be booked in advance, booking forms are available from most local tack shops/feed stores or, alternatively, you can contact Kate direct on 07810 106325 or you can enter on the day. Rosettes will be presented for each clear round, refreshments will be available and Blue Line Ambulance will attend on the day.

(08/11/2008) - Meet at Little Southernden Farm


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Another wet start to a hunting day, however, it didn't seem to have put many people off and plenty turned out for the Meet at Little Southernden Farm, kindly hosted by George and Jenny Gore, together with the Tally-Ho Club and plenty of lovely food and drink warmed us all up. The weather might have been rubbish but hounds screamed round on trails laid by our team earlier that day, untroubled by the wind and rain. Where hounds went our Huntsman, Neil, followed; he and the Hunt horse, Mac, were unstoppable, jumping hedges, gates and pretty much anything else that got in their way! A fearless field followed, throwing themselves, not necessarily always accompanied by their trusty steeds, over a variety of obstacles (see the Fallers Club for details of the unfortunate!). Neil managed to ensure that hounds followed trails that worked perfectly for the field and the fences and there were some enormous hedges to be jumped. Those Pascal Thrusters and Master, Tim Laite, impressively clearing the lot. Not to be left out of proceedings another of our eventing contingent, Matt Selby, was to be seen throwing himself over various fences on his youngsters, his back-up team (hereinafter to be known as The Selby Mobile Support Unit!) managing to provide him with various bits of new tack and second horses throughout the day as required! Rick Thompson and Chris Willett jointly came out of 'retirement' to do a sterling job whipping-in until a lost shoe put paid to Rick's day and Mr Willett managed to part company with his steed. We finished up at Kingsden, having covered a large circuit incorporating South Park (where the Huntsman and Master jumped double metal gates into the Bull Pen to exit - surely these things are meant to open for a reason?!). The stream that runs through South Park had put paid to a number of the field, the last of which was collected up, well after dark on Bedlam Lane (appropriately named for our finishing point!) and another fine hunting day drew to its conclusion with Sue and John Palmer very kindly provided a superb tea for everyone.

(05/11/2008) - Benover Meet


     Hunting Report
Author - Sam

Luckily most of us had dried out in time for our meet at The Woolpack, Benover and the new Landlord did us proud, providing us with plenty of lovely sandwiches and sausage rolls to keep our energy levels up for the day ahead. As it turned out we had a fairly quiet day, all in all, with the exception of Terry Chappel of course who, ebullient as ever, started a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday to Joint Master, Tim. He then made idle threats about the forthcoming Hunt Ball to me. He'll be sorry! I've still got room on my dance card for him! Before we'd left the meet I was being abused again, this time by the ever cheeky Kif Thompson, who informed me that in light of a previous performance at Egerton where a team of fence builders/repairers were required to follow in my wake, and that as he had racehorses out that he didn't want to jump, he, his companion and various members of the field who also didn't want to jump would be slipstreaming me so that when I smashed through a fence they could just follow on through it. What a bloody cheek! As it was, my trusty steed, Tommy Rocket (as he's come to be known), didn't break a thing, so there, up yours Thompson. It was lovely to see some new faces out today, all of them aesthetically pleasing I hasten to add, along with plenty of friendly familiar ones. We finished up around 3.30pm and enjoyed tea and birthday cake (very kindly provided by our Hon Sec Mrs Christina Back, who incidentally can bake a mean cake!) before heading off to our respective homes. Our thanks to those responsible for setting the day up (Sophie Maylam and Chris Willett) and as ever to everyone who supports us and makes the day happen.

(03/11/2008) - Opening Meet


     Report
Author - Sam

To say that it was wet was somewhat of an understatement. The old adage 'rain before 7, fine by 11' is, in fact, rubbish. I did point this out at circa 8.30am but it fell on deaf ears. At 10.55am we were optimistic. At midday we were sodden. No amount of cherry brandy or whiskey mac, so generously provided at the Meet by Peter and Daphne Deacon, could keep us dry. At one point in the afternoon I looked so bedraggled that Dawn, one of our more ardent foot followers (who had even come equipped with towels) offered me her plastic mac and dried a fag out for me! Still, in true AVH style, the mad, the bad and the dangerous to know had turned out for the Opening Meet - those that haven't now contracted pneumonia and are therefore too ill to read this, and those that haven't subsequently been committed to the nearest mental asylum by their nearest and dearest for spending the entire day in the pouring rain and are not therefore now allowed access to the internet, know who you are - and it was sooooo good to see you out! Sadly the weather had diminished our numbers a bit which was disappointing, as was the fact that although Peter Deacon had managed to open up a whole swathe of new country, it was subsequently deemed too wet by the landowner to ride over. Nonetheless, we made the best of what we had and hounds, undaunted by the torrential rain, set off on trails originally planned for the afternoon. I had definitely had too much of Peter and Daphne's hospitality as we rode away from the Meet to The Grove and Harbourne Farm - I'd managed to account for a couple of hounds that weren't, in fact, there. The First Whip took enormous delight in pointing this out to me later in the day when my body weight was made up of 90% rainwater, as opposed to the 90% alcohol it must have been made up of earlier of when I left the Meet! At Swain Farm trails had thoughtfully been laid in reverse in order to allow the field maximum opportunity to enjoy themselves (or otherwise) over the hedges. No-one, it seemed, had communicated this to the Master and to say that our Huntsman was somewhat surprised to see the Field arriving, at speed, from the opposite direction was putting it mildly. Our Huntsman expressed his surprise in no uncertain terms! Still, he was not phased by this ad-libbing and moved hounds on from Swain Farm, up to Susan's Hill and on to Boldshaves. By this stage in the day I was in awe of those who were still out and didn't have to be. Rainwater was running off our caps and I was convinced I'd contracted trenchfoot, such was the amount of water sloshing about in the bottom of my boots! I won't go into detail about the amount of rainwater sloshing about in various other of my garments for risk of offending the more sensitive among you! As the light waned our Huntsman blew for home and a thoroughly sodden pack of hounds, followed by the rest of us, headed back to where we'd unboxed for a much needed cup of tea and piece of cake, which Peter seemed to magic out of thin air for us. Even though we had suffered what can only be described as extremely adverse conditions, we had still managed to enjoy a fantastic start to our season proper and thanks to all those who stuck it out to make it such an enjoyable day. I hope everyone has dried out by now, ready to do it all again on Wednesday!

(01/11/2008) - Opening Meet


     Village Green High Halden
Author - Sam

The Opening Meet is fast approaching so no more ridiculously early starts, hurrah! Our Honourable Secretary, Mrs Back, will finally get to stay in her bed until a sensible hour and the Master and Second Whip might actually make it to the meet on time! As tradition now dictates the Meet will be generously hosted by Peter and Daphne Deacon at The Village Green, High Halden and by kind permission of the Parish Council. Peter assures me that every aspect is covered, which roughly translates as plenty of Cherry Brandy for Hunt Staff, Whiskey Mac for the Master and sausages and Mars Bars for all present! Our Huntsman, Neil, has been working extremely hard to ensure that the day lives up to expectations and has been out mending and building new fences, trimming hedges and opening country for us. All newcomers are welcome but remember your wallet and expect to get mugged by Mrs Back for your field money/cap! The Opening Meet is one not to miss, not just because of Peter and Daphne's hospitality but there will be plenty of lovely country to see, lots of jumping for those brave enough amongst us to tackle the hedges, plenty of trails will have been laid and therefore great sport should be enjoyed and you should get the opportunity to see hounds working. So dust down those hunting coats that have been lying dormant in the back of your wardrobe, sew on those buttons that have been missing for the last 6 months and come along to the Opening Meet of the Ashford Valley for a day to remember!

(30/10/2008) - RESULTS


     AVH Hunter Trials Results - Bonfleur Farm, Coxheath - 5 October 2008
Author - Sam

Class 1 - 1st place Jack and Hatty Sharp riding Henry and Buddy (Red 1 & 2), 2nd place Phoebe Kindersley and Chris Hutton riding Lulu and Weed (Red 26 & 27), 3rd place Mike and Peter Sargent riding Flick and Anna (Red 72 & 73), 4th place Mike and Peter Sargent riding Harry and Nick (Red 72 & 73), 5th place Bethan and Maisy Edwards riding Pandora and Little Beauty (Red 24 & 25), 6th place Helen Williams and Kate Ward riding Other Will and Don't Tell Gill (Red 84 & 85). Class 2 - 1st place Olivia Burrows riding Harry (Red 75), 2nd place Ella O'Kane riding Rosie (Blue 1), 3rd place Amy Baxter riding Too For Blue (Red 65), 4th place Kate Gale riding Dylan (Red 53), 5th place Dean Ponton riding Candy Lass (Blue 14), joint 6th place Jemima Vandegaag riding Tiger (red 29) and Christine Atkinson riding Cobweb (Blue 3). Class 3 - 1st place Jessica and Brenda Hawkes riding Connor and Midge (Red 38 & 39), 2nd place Rachel Froud and Gillian Ransom riding Spartan Melody and Kestrals Merlin (Red 56 & 55), 3rd place Helen Williams and Kate Ward riding Nicodemus and Blarny Bandit (Red 86 & 87), 4th place Emma and Amy Baxter riding Diamond Lady and Too For Blue (Red 64 & 65), 5th place Kira and Claire Hammond riding Megan and Misty (Red 40 & 41), 6th place Holly Jackson and Holly Duce riding Teddy and Lady (Red 36 & 37). Class 4 - 1st place Frankie Hickman riding Spencer (Red 3), 2nd place Katie Puxley riding Highwood Diamond Flight (Red 48), 3rd place Arthur Mylott riding Dodge (Red 22), 4th place John Dowling riding Woody (Red 23), 5th place Elinor Strapp riding Dancing Hero (Red 10), 6th place Kimberley Harman riding Minnie Mouse (Red 12). Class 5 - 1st place Phoebe Katis riding Prime Opportunity (Red 61), 2nd place IIona Brennikmeijer riding Ballcoog Touree Sky (Red 68), 3rd place Sophie Miles riding Bobby (Red 66), 4th place Naomi Henderson riding Dink (Red 50), 5th place Kimberley Harman riding Minnie Mouse (Red 12), 6th place Richard Newble riding Metty (Blue 18).

(27/10/2008) - Hole Park Ride


      
Author - Sam

A ride around Hole Park is being organised for the morning of Monday 27th October. Places are limited so if you would like to come along and ride round the beautiful park, please telephone Clare on 07980 205142 to book your place.

(26/10/2008) - Meet Cards


     Meet cards have now been published
Author - Sam

Meet cards have now been printed up. For anyone who hasn't received a meet card and would like one please contact our Hon Secretary Mrs Christina Back 07759 019506.

(25/10/2008) - Marden Thorn


     Meet at Marden Thorn
Author - Sam

A cold and frosty start awaited hounds and those amongst us foolhardy enough to tip out of our beds for the meet at Marden Thorn, which was quite some number as it turned out. The frost took some time to lift but in the sunshine it was lovely and foot followers were to be found basking in the hop gardens, however, if you were stood on point out in the woods it was bloody freezing, even with thermals on (which is probably too much information!). Trails had been laid and hounds hunted them well up as far as the orchards and then back towards Widehurst, where afterwards our hosts had kindly laid on a hearty breakfast of sausage rolls with plenty of tea and coffee to warm us all up again. Our thanks to Rick and Gail for hosting the meet and for setting the day up for us.

(22/10/2008) - Frittenden


     Organised at short notice
Author - Sam

Finding ourselves with a blank spot (that's a technical term by the way!) in the autumn hunting schedule our First Whip, Mike, managed to put together what turned out to be a very good morning's trail hunting at somewhat short notice. What began as a very cold and frosty day turned into glorious sunshine and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. It was nice to see a couple of 'defectors' from the Tickham (no names mentioned to protect the innocent) who apparently should have been slaving over their emails but instead took the view that a morning's autumn hunting with the AVH was an infinitely better idea and how right they were!

(05/10/2008) - AVH Hunter Trials


     Bonfleur Farm, Coxheath
Author - Sam

In spite of the foul weather the AVH hunter trials went ahead. Although some were put off by the torrential rain we endured on the day, many die-hard competitors still turned out and took part. The course remained in good condition throughout the day and some great fences provided challenges for all levels. Our grateful thanks to the Pascal Family for hosting the event and especially to course-builder/designer/arranger/technical adviser/maintainer and all round good egg Oliver Pascal for spending every waking hour and working into the night building and testing the course, no joke, this guy builds fences in the dark (hence the height of some of them!). Our grateful thanks also to everyone who helped in the run up to the event (building fences, setting the course out etc) and to those who turned out to help on the day (fence judges, caterers, tent erectors et al). The event was kindly sponsored by Goachers Brewery of Maidstone. Most of the sponsorship was consumed by three individuals who shall remain nameless ... for now. Suffice to say two of them never made it to work the next day and the third is still presumed missing in action. On a more serious note the cross country course is available for hire by the hour for anyone wishing to school round it. Anyone wishing to book the course should contact the AVH Hon Secretaries whose details can be found on this website under contacts.

(20/09/2008) - Ploughing Match


     High Tilt Farm Sissinghurst
Author - Jo Hewitt

The Weald of Kent Ploughing Match Committee kindly allowed us to occupy a corner of the trade stand area at their event on Saturday, 20th September 2008. Vanessa and I managed to get the gazebo and the Hunt display board to stand up on Friday night on site and were delighted to find it still standing on Saturday morning. As this is an important event in the local farming community diary I had no wish to stand in the tent all day so had organised a stream of other hunting folk to come and do a turn as well. The rota worked well, at times it was a bit like a party, with folk coming by and stopping for a chat. It did get a bit lonely at 3.30. I felt like putting a note on the tent saying, sorry gone hunting! I would like to say thank you to all the people who helped and if we have got at least one new person to come out with us it was well worth it.

(13/09/2008) - First Mounted Meet of the 2008/9 Season


     Boldshaves
Author - Sam

Hounds met at 6am at Boldshaves on Saturday, 13th September for the first mounted meet of the Season. Unfortunately the previous Wednesday's meet, which was scheduled to be the first mounted meet had to be conducted on foot due to crops still being on the fields. Given the undignified hour of the day it was amazing to see so many followers out, mounted and on foot. I can only assume that none of them had been to bed the night before! Most normal people would be just about returning home from their Friday night/Saturday morning activities as we were boxing up and driving through the mist. As we drew the first coverts it was just about getting light, although there was still a lot of mist around, making visibility poor. The coverts were extremely dense and whoever managed to lay trails through there must be in need of some new trousers or at least some serious repairs. If the culprit would like to come forward we can have a whip round for some new pants for them! At the Open Evening at the Kennels, later that same day, I did notice that Wills had ditched his obligatory over-trousers in favour of a pair of shorts, so perhaps it was him! We drew our last covert at around 9am (as several mounted followers were looking decidedly tired by that stage) and headed back to the boxes. The mist had now lifted and the sun was very much in evidence, it was turning into a glorious day. What a great start to the Season.
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